Not what i expected.

I’m so freaking mad right now. I gave my dog a bath yesterday and not only him but our two other dogs as huge and fat as they are and i was tired after that. Today i just wanted to relax and enjoy the weather and stay cool inside the house. No, i couldn’t do that at all i had to hurry up and get dressed after i had just woke up. I had to get insulted and yelled at because i didn’t get ready in five minutes like my dad wanted me too, excuse me for being a girl and having to do my hair cause it was a mess. Then we had to pick this freaking heavy ass wheelchair and put it in his truck because he didn’t want to use the van. So we had to break our back to pick it up while he was there looking pretty because we had to use more force than he did. After all that crap he couldn’t even buy us water ice because it was so effing hot! We could have just stayed in the house and be cool cause it wasn’t our responsibility to take that chair over to the store to sell it in the first place. UGHHHHH. i was soo mad!

A picture of my precious doggie.

Why do our ways have to be so complicated.

I was reading somebody’s blog and it was funny cause what they said actually applied to me too. When my brother was in this hospital and i was the only one home during the day my independence kicked and i was the one cooking, cleaning, and doing pretty much everything there was to do in the house. Well, except pay the bills, but i pretty much act like i’m living on my own. When i’m on my own i get things done faster and i’m more productive. I think i do better living on my own rather than living with people. Living with my family, especially when they’re all home i feel like i’m lazy and i get distracted easily. When i was by myself i was waking up really early on my own and when my family is home sometimes i feel like it’s so hard to wake up early. When they’re home i feel like i just need to worry about myself and cleaning my OWN room instead of the house because i don’t make any of the messes. When they’re not home i play independent and when they are i play the daughter. I complicate the hell outta myself sometimes.

Anyways, it’s soo hot outside. I’ll probably take a picture later after i give Chico a bath because i know his tummy is upset because of the heat so it’ll make him feel better. This kind of weather makes me miss Puerto Rico beaches. I can’t wait till the day i move to Florida and take Chico with me. I know he’ll love the weather and enjoy the pretty beaches since he’s never really been to one. I know i’m gonna love living on my own, sitting outside sipping on some pina coladas.. haha even though it won’t be like that at all but i like to day dream. I think Chico deserves a vacation just as much as i do.

A few things

Okay so tomorrow is my best friends big day. I’m soo excited for her! I know that she’s going to look pretty. I’m just a little bit jealous because i know that i’m never going to have a prom.. BUT that’s okay because it’s what i chose to do. I knew that when i made the decision to be home schooled i gave up the chance to have a real graduation and participate in prom. I do have my reasons as to why i didn’t want to continue being in regular high school but i don’t really want to get into that right now.

So i watch this show called Taking the Stage and i really enjoy it. That fact these kids are so talented and use that talent to their own advantage amazes me. I feel like i have soo many talents but i never pursued them so little by little i’m letting them go to waste. I guess the main thing that i like to do and i find myself always doing is writing. Writing takes me to a whole other place where i can just daydream and see things how i want to see it. Another thing i’ve always wanted to fully put my time into is photography. I feel like with on picture, no matter what it is, you can tell a million different stories. You can take a picture of something that looks one way to you but when you look at it in the picture it looks truly amazing, like something you would have never expected.

I love to sing.. and i’ve always been into music ever since i was a child. I would always try to make up my own songs which weren’t really that good but hey i was little. I’ve always dreamed of playing the guitar and making my own music even if it was just for me but since we were struggling to make ends meet when i was growing up, i never got to take the proper lessons. I had a guitar, i just didn’t have anyone to teach me and i know that it shouldn’t be hard and that i can do it if i just believe in myself. i just sometimes look at other people and wish that it would just come to me naturally. 

Some things do but other things don’t. I know that i could write my own songs and play my own music if i learned but i find that when i’m thinking about what song to write it never comes out the way i want it. When i’m listening to instrumentals of songs and i’m in a really good mood words just tend to come out and it sounds so good but when i go to write it down on paper i go completely blank and forgot what i was singing in the first place.

I feel like God has given me soo much talent but right now i don’t know how to perfect it and i don’t know what to do with it. I just want to bring out the best in me. I sometimes feel like i’m not trying my hardest and i feel like i’m a huge disappointment to myself and i don’t ever want to feel that way about myself but i think there is a lack of motivation and i don’t know how to motivate myself…

You know now that i think about it i’m amazed at how sometimes i write and it’s not that interesting and it sounds thought up but when i sit here and write about one little thing i’m thinking about, 5 million other emotions that i didn’t even know i had and thoughts that i wasn’t really thinking come to the surface. Sometimes i don’t even know why i feel a certain way but when i sit and write about it i see a deeper meaning to everything. I feel like my fingers and my mind, the part that is always day dreaming, does all the talking for me..

Well i guess i better get to bed. It’s about to be twelve twenty and i have to wake up early tomorrow cause i have a busy day ahead of me and i need my rest. Night.

Take a deep breath.

Today, despite the fact that i don’t feel too good, has really been a peaceful relaxing day. The weather is beautiful and i feel at peace with myself. That isn’t to say that nothing is going on because something is always going to go on, that’s life. I just think that no matter what happens today i’m going to try my best not to get mad because that would just be a waste of day. It’s just so nice outside. I didn’t go anywhere but i did enjoy myself.

I think the only thing that’s really on my mind is that fact that H is still talking crap. She says that she tries to call me but it always goes to voicemail and i know that’s a lie. The whole month of March i barely talked to anybody at all except for one person and that wasn’t even that often. I have even called her a few times because i have wanted to talk to her but she never answered my calls or called me back. I just feel like what is the point of trying to be somebody’s friend and wanting someone to be there for you when that person just doesn’t want to be. I mean i think it’s horrible to lose a friend but it’s obviously for the better because it seems like i lost her a long time ago. That’s not the type of person i want in my life anymore and i know that now. Maybe she just doesn’t get it but oh well.

By the way! Yesterday wasn’t doomsday at all. It was really sweet! Even though my dad is an ass a lot of the time he still has his really sweet side and i think that he really does love my mom even though he doesn’t know how to show it. I still love my dad no matter what we go through and no matter what happens between us. We’re still a family.

I love how her response to my comment was that she never received my calls. I probably called her like three times and she swears that she didn’t receive them and i don’t believe her. I’m not trying to make it seem like i’m fighting for her attention or i want her to talk to me everyday but how can you say that someone is your best friend when you don’t talk to that person for months at a time and they don’t make an effort to even email you or call you back. I think it’s stupid. I have already been through a friend like that before and i know how it is. I don’t need that stupidity around me and i don’t want it.

People that don’t care about the friends they have and the friends that want to be there for them aren’t true friends at all so at the end of the day i don’t want to be friends with you anymore and my decision is final.

I’m not going to let this ruin my night and i’m not going to make a big deal out of it, it just is what it is.

Wow.

This is probably going to be an extremely short post but i just have to let something out.

To whom it may concern,

I’m very surprised at the fact that you’d leave me a comment on Myspace saying hey i miss you. If you missed me so much you would take at least five minutes out of your “busy” schedule to just call me and say hi. The fact that you have time to call boys or call the party line just puzzles me. The only time you call me is to tell me something that might have happened or to ask me to go with you to meet this “guy” you have been talking to for a while. I honestly don’t want to meet this  person and i honestly don’t want to go with you. Why should i accompany you so that you can spend your time with him and leave me to spend time with myself. I could easily just go to the mall or to dinner by myself. If you really missed me and really were too busy to call you could have sent me a message on myspace two months ago. You knew that my brother was in the hospital and you knew that i was going through a lot but you couldn’t even call me to see if i was okay or to see how i was doing. I have known you for the longest and you have never been there for me when i needed you. I always made sure i was there if you ever needed me but i obviously am not a valued friend so i really don’t care wether you need me anymore or not. If you’re looking for me in the future know that i’m not someone you can count on anymore. You will probably never realize that you actually did something and i won’t call it to your attention because i feel like it isn’t worth it but if you ever ask me why i don’t talk to you i will let you know. I hope that life brings you joy and you succeed in whatever it is that you choose to do. Our friendship has diminished. You will probably never need me and you probably will never really miss me but you will realize that i was a good friend and you took me for granted.

sincerely, Keyla

That feels much better. I might elaborate on this whole little letter thing later if i feel like it.

On hold.

Being 17 really sucks if you don’t have a job. Unfortunately i have to put my life on hold because apparently other peoples problems are more important right now so there is no time for me to go out looking for a job. I’ve been 17 for more than a month and i still haven’t been able to go get my permit. I guess the key to it all is that i have to make my own time. If no one will accompany me i’ll just have to go out and get it for myself. Well the permit part might have to wait because i have to have a parent with me ..ugh. Stupid rules and laws in America.

Job should really be my main priority though but i hold myself back. I think i’m a little scared because i’ve never had a job before but it shouldn’t matter. I know that after i spend my first day at a job it’ll be like nothing. I worry too much about how things will be and what will happen instead of just letting whatever needs to happen happen. Getting a job right now just might be the most amazing thing that could happen to me right NOW. The pros of having a job:

-money

-freedom

-meet new people

-money

Haha, i said money twice but that’s probably the best part about having a job. I could buy myself whatever the hell i want and i’d love it. Plus having more money is the key to having freedom because where the hell can you go with no money AND no car? Yeh, no very far! The only thing is that i do not i repeat do NOT want to work at a fast food joint. I know that i’m not cut out for it. Not cause i’m not a people person but because you have to be really fast paced at it and i would get really screwed up. I’d rather work at a clothing store or something. You don’t really have to deal with people too much and you don’t have to be cramped in a really small space like fast food restaurants. But first before i even think about having a job i need to get my effing physical. Trying to make an appointment to get my physical will be more like a mission! Stupid doctor’s office is never open when i need it to be open and i hate that damn doctor wtf.

Ugh, but that’s a completely different story!

Depressing is the story of my life.

Very true indeed. I guess you can say i’m a loner but i don’t like it one bit. I figure why tell people about things when people don’t care to listen. Life is one big popularity contest and i am definitely not part of the popularity. No matter how nice i am it doesn’t matter, people just don’t care about that anymore. People don’t know how i feel inside and it wouldn’t matter to them anyway. I’m stressed, i hurt, i cry and yet i’m made out to be a bad person or people just won’t talk to me cause i’m different. I’m the good kind of different. I’m the kind of different girl that is proud to be a woman, the kind of different that doesn’t follow trends. I go by my own style have my own unique personality and try to see the good in everyone. I feel like i’m made out to be a fool because i don’t want to try cigarettes or weed. I don’t want to get wasted and lose my precious brain cells to stupidity. I’m made out to be a fool because i’m a teenager that doesn’t want to act wild and have sex all over the place. It’s hard to be made an outcast for being a good person and having values. I’m sorry that i actually want to be somebody in life. I’m sorry i think about my future and hope to be happy and stable someday. I have been through a lot and to know that i have no one to lean on when i need a shoulder but yet everyone wants to lean on mine ..it’s hard. I still deserve to be happy but it just seems like happiness is so far away from me. I don’t even complain to anyone but myself and i try not to do that. The only thing i get out of complaining is depression. Sometimes i feel like i’m a mistake. I know that i’m not and i shouldn’t feel that way but it’s damn hard. I’ve tried to talk to people and tell them how i feel but i get nothing out of it. They brush it off as if is wasn’t even something important to begin with. What the hell are “friends” for if they can’t comfort you once out of the million times that you have helped to comfort them.

I’m tired of talk to people once throughout a whole damn year just so they can tell me their collection of stories then not talk to me for another whole year. I always say i’m not a people person and it’s not because i don’t want to be ..it’s just that i’m not. i’ve never been around a real family so therefore i really don’t have any. My friends are dropping like flies and even though i haven’t told them i don’t want to be their friends anymore i don’t feel going out or chillin’ at their house, none of that. I’m sick of the people i thought i could call friends and i’m sick of the people in this state. I just want to start over, i want to be able to breathe and not feel like i’m suffocating. I need to be loved too. I need someone to listen to my problems too! I need to be heard and i need to be told once in a while that i’m loved. I’m not good with showing my emotions, i hide them because i feel like talking about it is a waste of breathe. I think it brings me one step closer to death. The way i show emotions is through anger. I can be on the verge of crying and all i would do is curse people out if they don’t leave me alone. People tell me soo much of there bullshit and i feel like i’m juggling theirs and mine. Not because i think about theirs like that but because i think to myself damn, i just wasted a half an hour listening to this bullshit and when i tried to tell her about what i’m going through she just brushed it off and bounced. I have a message to all my ex best friends that used to do that shit to me, FUCK YOU! I know they would read this and be like oh i wonder if she’s talking about so and so cause i know i don’t do that. FUCK YOU TOO BITCH CAUSE YOU DO THAT SHIT TOO! I can honestly say that i didn’t have one best friend in life that didn’t do that shit. All of them did it and they swear that they’re different and that they do not wrong. I have people telling me that they have no best friends in school and that she doesn’t hang out with any of them and the next time i talk to this bitch she was out with them all and then says oh i would have invited you but i didn’t think you would have wanted to go. Don’t tell me that bullshit that you WOULD have invited me blah blah blah. You didn’t because you were with your friends and you act different when you’re around them. I hate when people do that shit. I’m soo tired of it. I just don’t even bother calling people anymore. Why i have a cell phone i don’t even know. I honestly don’t even know, i don’t have minutes now so let’s see how many people try calling my house cause they couldn’t get a hold of me when they needed me. Fuck them all because i’m done with them. I would love to have friends that are 100% there for you and you for them but i’m afraid they don’t exist for me. I hope that when i go to college everything changes because i can’t handle this immature bull crap. I can’t stand fake people and i am on my last thread. I think if i were to have anyone call me to tell me what’s going on with them and some boy or some other bull crap i will go ballistic! I would fucking flip out because my temper has hit the fucking roof! I’d rather go to the beach or the mall with my mom and aunt rather than go with some fake ass bitches. It’s no longer fun to me anymore. Boys come and go, friends are supposed to be forever but apparently i’m the only one that knows how to balance boys with friends. I’m the only one that wants my friends to meet or talk to the boy of interest because their opinion used to matter. But no, all that is in the past. All that is over. I’m a very outspoken person when it comes to people and i’m gonna be that way to the people that i used to call friends and i dare someone to try and tell me that I have changed because then i will give them a huge piece of my mind. I think my nice understanding days are over. All that letting the bullshit slide is over. Maybe i have changed, maybe i’ve realized that i was letting stupid people walk all over me just in a different way. Well that’s not going to happen anymore so i don’t have to worry about it anymore.

Ugh, on top of that i can’t even find peace in church. Well the place i used to call church anyways. Never even cared about us when my brother was in the fucking hospital for a month and a half! No, it had to be practically another whole month later when they call to see if he was alright?! WTF! You should be ashamed of yourself calling yourself a church when you act nothing like a church. I’m talking about people that spread rumors of other people throughout there whole church and i know they’ve said things about my family. I can prove it. If i was somebody else i would curse them all out. Who the hell are they to think they have not faults when you have someone that just wants to go to church to get away from what they’re going through and just want to feel good about themselves and they still are being judged. I’m not the skinniest of people myself but you’re all fat and to sit there and talk about the way other people look! I’m ashamed. I have seen so many other people that could sing better than you and yet you judge people from other churches and criticize their singing?! I want to be a better Christian and i know i have a LONG way to get to where i want to be but these are people who are pastors and deacons! These people should not be associated with the word drama but they are.. Then they wonder why they always lose the members that they gain. They have favorites and they make themselves seem like they’re superior to the others who they could care less about. Honestly, if i didn’t stumble on my spanish at times i would definitely give them a piece of my mind! I think i was just a time bomb waiting to explode and i feel like now is the time. One wrong statement is all it will take. Not even that, just one small look and i’ll be yelling a mile a minute. I have reached my breaking point and it’s not going to be anything pretty ..i assure you.

This has to be probably one of THE longest posts in my blogging history ..but i just had to get some things off of my chest.

Virtual reality

What i really wanna know is why everytime i meet people in person they can be such ass holes and the only good friends i have are online. Is there like some kind of rule that you have to act like a dick head towards your friends in person or something.. People you meet online are more considerate and they actually care about you and your feelings and the people in real life just screw you. I guess people online actually take the time to get to know you and the people you know face to face don't really care to. This probably isn't making much sense but i just wonder sometimes..

i can't really think or type straight right now so i will pick up where i left off another time..

Ya buggin' what, ya buggin' who, ya buggin' me & dontcha see it ain't cool.

UGHHHHHHHH! WTF! People just don't get the hint these days. Like seriously, why are you callin' me 5 times a day? Obviously i'm either busy or just DON'T wanna talk to you right now .. can't you take the hint? That's just one thing that gets on my nerves soo bad! I mean don't get me wrong in some ways this dude is real cool but when i don't answer the phone or get back to him every day he tries to act like my dad. Who the fuck are you? I definitely should not but cursing this much but it angers me ..what makes you think that i need to report to you everyday when 1. we do not go together! and 2. i have not shown you any interest as far as the relationship department goes. I have only just met this dude and i'm not one to just rush into something serious. I know who sparks my interest and who doesn't and he only sparks my interest as a friend and i have already stated that to this person. If you were someone that was confident in yourself you would know that you should not be callin' that much and you would play it cool and safe. Apparently this dude didn't get the memo and i would hate to have to be the one to let him know that he has no game ..or maybe i should say that he needs to work on it. I've had someone be like that before and i think he didn't have any confidence at all and he was just a straight up punk ..that's not my type of guy. For me insecurity and just straight up being on my shit is a HUGE turn off for me. I don't like when a guy just automatically thinks that i shouldn't talk to people or i always have to let him know where i'm going because he assumes that we're dating or in a comitment.

I'm a very outspoken person and no matter what it is i will let you know if i like you as a potential or just a friend. Sometimes i think i'm a little too blunt and even if i don't mean it in that way the things i say can come off kind of rude. I just feel like sometimes you have to be rude for people to understand something because they just act like they don't know what you're talking about..

I personally don't want to be in a relationship right now ..whenever a guy asks me how come i don't have a boyfriend blah blah blah i tell them that i'm single by choice. I don't want to be in a relationship right now because i feel like i need to focus more on myself and having a boyfriend would just get in the way of my priorities. However, i don't want to be friends with you if i think you're worthy of that and maybe see how i feel or how it goes along the line.

I'm usually good at telling the type of person you are when i first meet you but i still need time to feel you out and see if we're on the same level. I don't think i'm better than anyone but honestly a lot of people aren't on my level when it comes to priorities and goals in life. I'm attracted to dudes that are a couple years older than me because most of them have their head straight and they have something going for themselves but it doesn't mean that i can't find someone my age that is like that.

..okay now i'm going to a whole different subject so i'll just shutup! I just have strong opinions when it comes to these type of topics.

Shoot me for having my own mind..

Sometimes words just can't explain..

I've been having some emotional ups and downs lately and i feel like it's really hard to explain why. I have moments when i'm extremely happy and i feel like nothing can go wrong at that point in time and then there are times when i feel soo lonely and disappointed on the way my life is going that i just wanna cry.. I kinda have this habbit of looking through random people's pictures on myspace and i like to imagine what it would be like to be them. Sometimes people just look soo happy and i do get jealous at times because i feel like they're living the life that i myself want to live. Alot of people talk about living life to the fullest and making the best out of it ..i have always felt the need to live life to the fullest but the position i'm in i feel like i'm trapped. Like i can't be myself and i have to say that is one of the worst feelings ever. Feeling like you have no control of your life or even yourself! I just feel really unmotivated sometimes ..i don't have the support i need even though i try to say that it doesn't matter. I don't have the kind of friends i would like to have and i feel like for me it's almost impossible to find any friends at all. Sometimes i regret not staying in touch with the friends i had when i was younger.. I had soo many good friends and i felt like i took them for granted, but when you're moving a lot and going from one school to another you really don't have time to stay in touch.

..I wanna go out more, experience life more but i don't have anyone to experience it with. My life is dull and boring and no matter how hard i try to make it exciting i fail! I try to make the most out of my temprary highs to satisfy me and that's not the way it should be. I hate being bored and lonely but i always am. Soo many people will have stories to tell their kids about when they were growing up and all the crazy stuff they did and i feel like i won't have anything to say to mine. I really don't know if i'm the only person to feel this way or if i should even feel this way at all but i hate it... i just wish it would go away and never come back..

Well, on a happier note i should be getting my laptop this week hopefully! I'm soo excited, and they have the color i wan ..pink! Oh my gosh i can not wait. I have been wanting it for like two months now. It's feel really good to start over with a new computer again and not have any problems at all. can't wait!!

Ps. I really want some guy friends ..idk i've never really had any guy best friends and i feel like they would be more useful to me then girls if that makes any sense at all.

..I need new friends period.

I'm Feeling so good, i knew that i would. Been takin' care of myself like i should.

Today was such a good day for me. Despite the fact that i've been going through so much this past week and that today's weather wasn't soo good i had a great day. I really feel proud of myself for not saying something when i had the chance to. It makes me feel like i'm being tested in life to see how i react and i'm doing pretty darn good. Usually when i hear my dad saying something about me i would just go ballistic and say whatever came to the top of my head. Sometimes i would regret it because, well it doesn't seem to reflect my personality sometimes. It also doesn't show that i'm very mature. I have to grow in some areas and change some things around in my life and for once i actually feel like i'm able to control what goes on in my life. I have money now so that i can actually get my license finally! I'm really excited about it and i know that i can do it. I have faith in myself. I know that wen it comes to going to college my mom and my neighbor, who is like a grandmother to me, supports me 100%. As long as i have them and my brother in my life that's all i need to pull through. I finally feel like i can make my own decisions and not worry about if someone is gonna get mad or not. I'm being tested to see wether or not i will be able to make it on my own and i know now that i can and will.

Right now i feel like i'm at peace with myself. Like i have nothing to worry about because everything will work out in my favor. These past few days i have just been doing alot of self healing. Cleansing myself and just keeping myself away from all the negativity. I haven't been worrying about anything that's been going on like i usually do and i've just been working on a new me. I've realized who i consider to be best friends and who i consider to be just friends. Although i still haven't figured out what i wanna go to college for i still have about a year to do so.

What i'm gonna do is just work hard and study hard. Do plenty of research on professions and other things that i would be interested in. I really wanna get my life on track and this is the time that i need to start.

I'm determined..

Get on point.

Right now that's one of my main priorities. i'm almost 17 and i need to become more independent and start doing things all on my own. Not that it's that hard or that i'm not pretty much use to it already. What i'm REALLY talking about is that i need to start supporting myself financially. I wish there was something easy i could do to make a little money on the side until i turn 18 but up until now i still haven't found anything. I don't want to get a job right at this moment because like i explained before i'm don't really have the time for it and there are a few obstacles that are preventing me from getting one. (Dad) So i have to kinda plan around "them" until then. Easier said than done.

I also have to get a few checkups done before i'm of age. Since my stupid father has never cared about me or my health now seems to be the time to take advantage of the insurance and get everything i need to get done, done.

Thinking back on all the bull crap i have had to put up with i'm glad that i'm turning 18 next year. That way my dad won't be able to claim me anymore on his income tax. The money that i have never even seen or recieved from him ever won't be going to him anymore. Good luck on getting a thousand dollars less every year for the rest of your life! Maybe then he'll choose to spend his money wisely instead of giving it to his good for nothing children who are working, married adults. No, i'm not included.

Which brings me to another point. How do you think you look being a 30 year old, married with one child and still recieving money from your father. On top of that you don't even care about him at all. Okay i understand that he is sick but he's not even THAT sick. He was still asking for money even BEFORE he got sick. Same goes for his other "daughter" ..or maybe i should say only daughter because i'm not considered to be his daughter. She also has a child, a job (she isn't sick mind you), and a freaking boyfriend. If she can afford a brand new car do you really need your dad to support you? Enough said.

Anyways, another way for me to get on point is to establish wether or not i want to keep a couple friends or not. I've already established what there role is in my life (if any) which is something i need to think long and hard about. I've known them for so long, but if the relationship isn't valued is it really worth the trouble? Should i say something to them about it? Maybe confront them or something or should i just keep things to myself and make the decision on my own?

Hmm, decisions decisions.

I'm not really sure how i should go about things. and if that isn't enough pressure already college time is approaching very quickly and i still haven't figured out what in the hell i want to go for. What should i pick to be my major? What should i minor in? Decisions, decisions. What is a girl to do. I know that all of these decisions can only be made by me (well obviously). What i meant was that it doesn't matter what other people say or suggest to me. I'm the only one that knows what's best for me even though it might not be so clear at the moment. With all this thinking i have to do on a daily basis i'm suprised my mind hasn't already exploded into a million pieces.

..I seem to be getting sleepy. I did do a lot today so i suppose i sould get at least SOME rest. Nighty night.

Almost two in the morning.

And here i am. (If you can start a sentence with and? i was always told we couldn't in grade school but oh well there it goes anyway.) I'm not really all that tired but i have made a deal with myself that i will go to sleep when i'm done this post.. or at least by 2:30.

I was just thinking about my life in 2009 so far and this is definitely not where i wanted to be and not where i though i would be. I really thought that this year would be soo different. Yeah, i know it's only close to the beginning of the year but damn. My birthday is almost here and i have nothing to be happy for.Well, with the exception of my brother and a few other things. Other than that i have absolutely nothing at all. In some ways i feel ashamed of myself but then i think about it and it's not at all my fault. It's not my fault that i'm too young and don't have enough experience to find a job. It's not my fault i live where i do. It definitely isn't my fault that no one cares enough to know how i feel. Not my fault that my "family" (whom i don't even want to be a part of anyway) has always rejected me and it's not my fault they're drunk whores and drugee delinquants. (Is that how it's spelled?) Not my fault that my dad doesn't love me and that i get treated like a piece of garbage that you see on the sidewalk. NOT MY FAULT.

I'm tired of not being able to do whatever it is that i wanna do. (Mind you it's nothing bad at all) People just keep trying to hold me back from starting my own future and it's hard trying to stop people from doing so. I don't control any of the damn situations that i'm in and there is no way that i can. Too many things going on at once my head is freakin' spinning.

Btw, wtf at Chris Brown assaulting Rihanna! What ever happened to "ima fight a man tonight." ? CB is a woman beater and even though i really didn't like him anyway he lost MAJOR points with a lot of woman. *Tsk tsk. Shame on you Mister Brown. ..I wish somebody woulda caught all this on tape, damn.

Mucnchin' on some dang cheez-its. I really shouldn't freakin' be eating this late but oh well right? I shouldn't even be up but whatever i have ten more mintes to say whatever the hell i feel.

I really need new friends. I was thinking all about it and i only truly have one friend that i can sit here and say is my best friend. I used to call my other two "best friends" but one i never talk to unless she feels like talkin' and calls me. The second one i use to talk to alot but ever since her man we sorda drifted apart. I mean is it just me or aren't you supposed to actually talk and keep in touch in order to maintain a relationship.. or in this case a "friendship." Hmm, i guess the friendship wasn't really that important to some people. Better for me though because i know who to tell everything to and who not to tell anything to. Plus i know who's really there for me when i need them and who's not. To think that i've known these people for soo long and it still doesn't count for anything. If things get worse than they are now then eventually people will be dropped. I was forced to do it once before and i was hoping i wouldn't have to do it again but i'm not afraid to. It just kinda sucks but then you just have to suck it up and move along. Well, that's what i'll do if i come to realize that the friendship may not be repairable. Plus, it's not like i disappeared off the face of the earth. Everyone that needs to know my number knows it. Sometimes i call people and my phone calls never get returned. Important or not the least thing you could do is return a phone call. Like damn, i know you're busy talking to different guys all the time but to not even be able to put one night aside and be like let me call her because i know she called me the other day blah blah blah. It's like people only call when they need shit but it doesn't matter if you're going through shit because you can do it alone right? Wrong, sometimes you can't just deal with shit alone because sometimes things get really tough and you need to know that people are behind you 100%. I don't even have that!

Oh how the world is soo cruel..

Too Much

There comes a time in life when you know that you are dealing with WAY too much in your life. I think for me now is one of those times. Don't get me wrong, throughout the past few years i have been transformed into an extremely strong person. I feel like a lot of people count on me to be the strong person. I have to be strong for myself because i don't have anybody to lean on when times get rough. Basically where i'm trying to get at is that my brother's in the hospital and he's not doing too good. it kills me to have to see him with a breathing tube and like 5 other iv's (i don't really know how to spell it) in different parts of his body. It's really hard to see him going through that. I cry inside because i don't want people, especially my brother, to see me cry. Sometimes too much is too much and i just wanna tell everyone to kick rocks and just ball out cryin'.

Life is really tough. crap i don't know what else to say..

They Call Me Nerdy!

[Mood: bored]
[Currently: youtubing]

This is like my millionth freakin' blog that i've made. Hopefully i like this one better than all the rest of them.

Anyways to make a long story short my brother is in the hospital because he has a really bad flu and he'll be in there for maybe 3 weeks. Ugh, it sucks like freakin' crazy! I have to cook dinner because my dad can't cook for squat, and i have to make sure the house stays clean and what not because he's not much of a neat person. It's whatever i guess but it gets really boring being in the house by my own damn self. I miss mommy & Tito! lol

Gosh, any freakin' ways i've been debating. I'm homeschooled and i do all of my school work and ish online and pretty soon i'll be in college starting my life. i have some money saved up that will be towards things i need for college and what not and one of those things is a laptop. There is this extremely cute laptop that i've had my big brown eyes on for a little while and it's all pink and it's adorably cute!
<-- It's called the Acer Aspire One. It comes in pink and it's called a Netbook because of the fact that it's extremely small and it's mainly maid for blogging, going on the internet, music, also school work and other ish like that. I think it's perfect because that's what i want it for! It doesn't have a cdrom drive or anything but i don't really need that because i don't use it. The main reason why i want this is because of the dang price. At walmart it's like $298 i think? Well, either way it's around that price because it's a mini laptop instead of a huge one. Plus it has a freakin' webcam and microphone built in! I do have a camera and i CAN make videos but it's so damn annoying cause i don't know how to upload shit on youtube cause it's soo damn difficult and this little laptop would make it easier. PLUS, it fits in basically all of my damn purses AND it's light weight so it won't feel like your carrying around a big old text book like other laptops. haha sorry i'm rambling like if this was a damn commercial but i'm soo freakin' excited cause i really want this lil thing. I've searched plenty of reviews for this lil thing being the good student that i am and it's perfect for school work and everything else i use my computer for AND it's affordable!? I'm pumped! lol Oh wait, just to add one more thing.. i don't have to sit in this uncomfortable chair anymore just to be on the computer. I can go anywhere with it cause it has wifi. Yay! well, anyways i really don't have much else to do or say at the moment. Hopefully i'll have something a little more exciting to write in the nexr post. Oh btw, my sissy poo lani got her drivers license today. I'm soo HAPPY for her!!