I’m a hazard to myself.

Once again loneliness is trying to get the best of me and i’m not going to let it. This seems to always happen, i’ve been single for almost a year and loved it then little by little i despise it with every fiber of my being. The feeling comes like clock work and i hate it. It’s not like i’m desperate and can’t control my emotions cause i can, but you just see all the cute couples in the mall or at restaurants and they look so adorable and you just want to share moments like that with someone but you have no one. It’s not like i always want to have a boyfriend or a date and can’t live without them. You just have those moments sometimes where you feel like you want to talk or spend time with someone in a more than friendship kind of way if that makes any sense.. I always see girls with guys they don’t even appreciate or deserve. Guys that are always good to them and are with them no matter what and i wonder. Why do guys go for those type of girls. Yeah, maybe they’re extremely pretty and have the best figure you’ve ever seen but most of them walk with their nose in the air and they’re just completely materialistic. Me, i’m just a simple girl. Yeah i like to go shopping and be a little materialistic once in a while but most of the time i’m not into that stuff. I honestly would rather have a picnic or spend the day at the beach watching the sunset rather than going to some fancy expensive restaurant that doesn’t even serve you a whole plate of food. I’d choose a romantic day out over a gift on my birthday ANYDAY! But where are the guys that are into that kind of stuff. I like acting silly and goofy (not immature) chillin’ in the house and just relax. It doesn’t always have to be serious and we don’t always have to go out. It should JUST be a relationship, it should be a friendship too and i’m all about that. I’m the type of girl that plays video games and play fights for fun. Unfortunately because i’m not skinnier than a pole i get overlooked.

I’m tired of all that. I want to be in a relationship because a person like me for who i am inside AND out. Not just because they want to hit it or whatever. WHERE ARE THESE KIND OF GUYS HIDING?!

So many people claim to be real and aren’t and i just wonder these days..

 

I had some other stuff to say but i forgot so blah.. nothing new or interesting has happened anyway..

Oh, my brother’s prom is next week and i’m soo excited!

:|

Why do our ways have to be so complicated.

I was reading somebody’s blog and it was funny cause what they said actually applied to me too. When my brother was in this hospital and i was the only one home during the day my independence kicked and i was the one cooking, cleaning, and doing pretty much everything there was to do in the house. Well, except pay the bills, but i pretty much act like i’m living on my own. When i’m on my own i get things done faster and i’m more productive. I think i do better living on my own rather than living with people. Living with my family, especially when they’re all home i feel like i’m lazy and i get distracted easily. When i was by myself i was waking up really early on my own and when my family is home sometimes i feel like it’s so hard to wake up early. When they’re home i feel like i just need to worry about myself and cleaning my OWN room instead of the house because i don’t make any of the messes. When they’re not home i play independent and when they are i play the daughter. I complicate the hell outta myself sometimes.

Anyways, it’s soo hot outside. I’ll probably take a picture later after i give Chico a bath because i know his tummy is upset because of the heat so it’ll make him feel better. This kind of weather makes me miss Puerto Rico beaches. I can’t wait till the day i move to Florida and take Chico with me. I know he’ll love the weather and enjoy the pretty beaches since he’s never really been to one. I know i’m gonna love living on my own, sitting outside sipping on some pina coladas.. haha even though it won’t be like that at all but i like to day dream. I think Chico deserves a vacation just as much as i do.

A few things

Okay so tomorrow is my best friends big day. I’m soo excited for her! I know that she’s going to look pretty. I’m just a little bit jealous because i know that i’m never going to have a prom.. BUT that’s okay because it’s what i chose to do. I knew that when i made the decision to be home schooled i gave up the chance to have a real graduation and participate in prom. I do have my reasons as to why i didn’t want to continue being in regular high school but i don’t really want to get into that right now.

So i watch this show called Taking the Stage and i really enjoy it. That fact these kids are so talented and use that talent to their own advantage amazes me. I feel like i have soo many talents but i never pursued them so little by little i’m letting them go to waste. I guess the main thing that i like to do and i find myself always doing is writing. Writing takes me to a whole other place where i can just daydream and see things how i want to see it. Another thing i’ve always wanted to fully put my time into is photography. I feel like with on picture, no matter what it is, you can tell a million different stories. You can take a picture of something that looks one way to you but when you look at it in the picture it looks truly amazing, like something you would have never expected.

I love to sing.. and i’ve always been into music ever since i was a child. I would always try to make up my own songs which weren’t really that good but hey i was little. I’ve always dreamed of playing the guitar and making my own music even if it was just for me but since we were struggling to make ends meet when i was growing up, i never got to take the proper lessons. I had a guitar, i just didn’t have anyone to teach me and i know that it shouldn’t be hard and that i can do it if i just believe in myself. i just sometimes look at other people and wish that it would just come to me naturally. 

Some things do but other things don’t. I know that i could write my own songs and play my own music if i learned but i find that when i’m thinking about what song to write it never comes out the way i want it. When i’m listening to instrumentals of songs and i’m in a really good mood words just tend to come out and it sounds so good but when i go to write it down on paper i go completely blank and forgot what i was singing in the first place.

I feel like God has given me soo much talent but right now i don’t know how to perfect it and i don’t know what to do with it. I just want to bring out the best in me. I sometimes feel like i’m not trying my hardest and i feel like i’m a huge disappointment to myself and i don’t ever want to feel that way about myself but i think there is a lack of motivation and i don’t know how to motivate myself…

You know now that i think about it i’m amazed at how sometimes i write and it’s not that interesting and it sounds thought up but when i sit here and write about one little thing i’m thinking about, 5 million other emotions that i didn’t even know i had and thoughts that i wasn’t really thinking come to the surface. Sometimes i don’t even know why i feel a certain way but when i sit and write about it i see a deeper meaning to everything. I feel like my fingers and my mind, the part that is always day dreaming, does all the talking for me..

Well i guess i better get to bed. It’s about to be twelve twenty and i have to wake up early tomorrow cause i have a busy day ahead of me and i need my rest. Night.

On hold.

Being 17 really sucks if you don’t have a job. Unfortunately i have to put my life on hold because apparently other peoples problems are more important right now so there is no time for me to go out looking for a job. I’ve been 17 for more than a month and i still haven’t been able to go get my permit. I guess the key to it all is that i have to make my own time. If no one will accompany me i’ll just have to go out and get it for myself. Well the permit part might have to wait because i have to have a parent with me ..ugh. Stupid rules and laws in America.

Job should really be my main priority though but i hold myself back. I think i’m a little scared because i’ve never had a job before but it shouldn’t matter. I know that after i spend my first day at a job it’ll be like nothing. I worry too much about how things will be and what will happen instead of just letting whatever needs to happen happen. Getting a job right now just might be the most amazing thing that could happen to me right NOW. The pros of having a job:

-money

-freedom

-meet new people

-money

Haha, i said money twice but that’s probably the best part about having a job. I could buy myself whatever the hell i want and i’d love it. Plus having more money is the key to having freedom because where the hell can you go with no money AND no car? Yeh, no very far! The only thing is that i do not i repeat do NOT want to work at a fast food joint. I know that i’m not cut out for it. Not cause i’m not a people person but because you have to be really fast paced at it and i would get really screwed up. I’d rather work at a clothing store or something. You don’t really have to deal with people too much and you don’t have to be cramped in a really small space like fast food restaurants. But first before i even think about having a job i need to get my effing physical. Trying to make an appointment to get my physical will be more like a mission! Stupid doctor’s office is never open when i need it to be open and i hate that damn doctor wtf.

Ugh, but that’s a completely different story!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

It’s allergy season. My eyes hurt and my nose has been running non stop. On top of that i have been feeling soo sleepy. Yesterday i took five 2 hour naps, literally! I’m trying to do things just to keep myself from sleeping the whole day because too much sleep is just unhealthy. The fact that today is just a dark and rainy day and that i’m home alone is definitely not helping. Let’s just say that this week hasn’t really been a good week for me either.

The main reason why i posted that poem the other day was because i was feeling that way. I’ve been feeling so lonely lately and the funny part about it is that i know i’m not lonely. I have my family but i just feel like that isn’t enough. I’m longing for something, what that something is i may never know. I can feel it in my heart, this loneliness, it never leaves. No matter how much i try to ignore it or just act like it’s not a real feeling it just doesn’t work. It never goes away, sure there may be times when it leaves me alone for a little while but it always comes back to haunt me. I don’t get depressed or anything it’s just a feeling. I know this because i’ve had depression before, i know how it feels. When i went through depression i had no appetite, i had no will power to do anything and i lost soo much weight. I looked so much better and healthier even though it wasn’t healthy. Depression just isn’t a nice thing and i hope i never go through it again.

This is the song currently on repeat on my ipod. I don’t know why i like this song so much but it’s just so peaceful. It puts me in a really good mood. Haha i had to take like a 10 minute pause just to sing along with the song about like 5 times lol. I think i feel awake now just because of the song. See i told you this song puts me in a good mood haha!

I love how i just completely changed the mood of this post with just one song! I’m such a nerd lol.

I can’t believed i watched for my third time yesterday.. am i crazy or what! I love that movie and i agree with everyone when they say that Robert Pattinson looks HOT in that movie. The vampire thing is kinda sexy! Haha makes me wanna have a vampire boyfriend that looks like him lol or maybe just a white boy that’s like a pretty boy or something. Not even just like a white boy with brown hair and pretty eyes that has like a simple, unique style kind of like “Edward Cullin” in the movie ..if that’s how you spell it. It was just too adorable. I have to get the soundtrack to that movie cause it had some kick ass songs on it. I don’t know what any of them are called though so i guess i’ll look it up.

Okay my eyes are hurting from the screen cause my charger is plugged in so i’m just gonna leave it at that.

I'm a dinasaur so like, rarw! & stuff.

Listening to my ipod like i usually always do in lala land somewhere. This whole weekend has been like the ultimate torture for me. Damn it, if only magic were real i could transport myself to anywhere in the world ..oh the many places i would go! haha a new place every damn day. Who cares about work, if i had magic i would be a freakin' millionaire! I wouldn't really pay too much attention to the money though because i'm not materialistic.

Haha speaking of materialistic, some guy was talking to me yesterday and he was saying that he was a wealthy man and he was offering me a chance to be beside "this wealthy man." So i'm like wtf is this dude lying or some shit. He was saying to me that i would be pretty dumb to pass "a chance like this" up because i'm gonna regret it in the future. I'm thinking to myself like damn is this dude like reading the future or something ..how in the hell would he know if i'm gonna be broke in the future. Oh, and he said that one day i'm gonna want something and i'm not gonna be able to afford it and wish i woulda took that chance. I'm like who are you to say that i won't be living lavish in the future? How do you know that i'm not gonna have even more money than you? I was so shocked and insulted. He made it seem like women can't handle their own. Just because you're a man doesn't make you superior to me home skillet as far as i'm concerned you're not even on my level! Men can be soo stupid sometimes .. honestly.