I’m a hazard to myself.

Once again loneliness is trying to get the best of me and i’m not going to let it. This seems to always happen, i’ve been single for almost a year and loved it then little by little i despise it with every fiber of my being. The feeling comes like clock work and i hate it. It’s not like i’m desperate and can’t control my emotions cause i can, but you just see all the cute couples in the mall or at restaurants and they look so adorable and you just want to share moments like that with someone but you have no one. It’s not like i always want to have a boyfriend or a date and can’t live without them. You just have those moments sometimes where you feel like you want to talk or spend time with someone in a more than friendship kind of way if that makes any sense.. I always see girls with guys they don’t even appreciate or deserve. Guys that are always good to them and are with them no matter what and i wonder. Why do guys go for those type of girls. Yeah, maybe they’re extremely pretty and have the best figure you’ve ever seen but most of them walk with their nose in the air and they’re just completely materialistic. Me, i’m just a simple girl. Yeah i like to go shopping and be a little materialistic once in a while but most of the time i’m not into that stuff. I honestly would rather have a picnic or spend the day at the beach watching the sunset rather than going to some fancy expensive restaurant that doesn’t even serve you a whole plate of food. I’d choose a romantic day out over a gift on my birthday ANYDAY! But where are the guys that are into that kind of stuff. I like acting silly and goofy (not immature) chillin’ in the house and just relax. It doesn’t always have to be serious and we don’t always have to go out. It should JUST be a relationship, it should be a friendship too and i’m all about that. I’m the type of girl that plays video games and play fights for fun. Unfortunately because i’m not skinnier than a pole i get overlooked.

I’m tired of all that. I want to be in a relationship because a person like me for who i am inside AND out. Not just because they want to hit it or whatever. WHERE ARE THESE KIND OF GUYS HIDING?!

So many people claim to be real and aren’t and i just wonder these days..

 

I had some other stuff to say but i forgot so blah.. nothing new or interesting has happened anyway..

Oh, my brother’s prom is next week and i’m soo excited!

:|

Just some randomness (untitled)

Okay so i’m having some kind of a problem, it’s nothing major but it is a problem to me. Actually it’s kind  of stupid when you think about it lol but whatever here it goes. So i used to date this guy.. (more like a little kid by the way he acted) Haha but anyways the beginning was nice and i thought i was in love. (key word thought) It didn’t last long because it didn’t take me long to realize that he was immature and that i definitely wasn’t in love with him at all. I think i was more in love with the idea of him, at that time i was going through so much and i though that having a boyfriend would make me feel better which was definitely the wrong thing. After that whole relationship was over i realized that i was settling for garbage when i deserved so much more. Now, i’m kind of afraid to get into another relationship like that, i just want so much more. So there are times when i’m talking to a guy or looking at one and i’m like eww that guy reminds me of *his name here* by the way he dresses or oh he reminds me of him cause of the way he talks or the way he looks. I don’t know why but i think that relationship was a nightmare and i guess maybe i’m still living in that nightmare or something lol. When i broke up with him i stopped talking to guys altogether. No, i didn’t turn into a lesbian but i realized that i wanted to take a huge break and i guess i’m still on it. It’s funny because i can talk to some guys and maybe we kinda click but when i talk to some other guys i just have nothing to say.I feel like i used to know how to keep a conversation with most guys but now i’m just kinda lost.. I think i’m just not trying to date guys that don’t fit my interest at all and right now i don’t want to be in a relationship. If i were to find someone that i truly click with then i just want to take it slow and really get to know the person this time and even though i have done that many times before i want it to be different.

By the way, the host of Tough Love.. i’m not sure what his name is but he’s hott on soo many different levels. His looks are hott, his personality is bomb, and the way he treats women is just perfect. He knows how to treat a lady and knows what it takes to be in a relationship from what i’ve seen. I don’t necessarily want a man like him but i want someone that knows those things and acts in a proper, respectful manner.

A few things

Okay so tomorrow is my best friends big day. I’m soo excited for her! I know that she’s going to look pretty. I’m just a little bit jealous because i know that i’m never going to have a prom.. BUT that’s okay because it’s what i chose to do. I knew that when i made the decision to be home schooled i gave up the chance to have a real graduation and participate in prom. I do have my reasons as to why i didn’t want to continue being in regular high school but i don’t really want to get into that right now.

So i watch this show called Taking the Stage and i really enjoy it. That fact these kids are so talented and use that talent to their own advantage amazes me. I feel like i have soo many talents but i never pursued them so little by little i’m letting them go to waste. I guess the main thing that i like to do and i find myself always doing is writing. Writing takes me to a whole other place where i can just daydream and see things how i want to see it. Another thing i’ve always wanted to fully put my time into is photography. I feel like with on picture, no matter what it is, you can tell a million different stories. You can take a picture of something that looks one way to you but when you look at it in the picture it looks truly amazing, like something you would have never expected.

I love to sing.. and i’ve always been into music ever since i was a child. I would always try to make up my own songs which weren’t really that good but hey i was little. I’ve always dreamed of playing the guitar and making my own music even if it was just for me but since we were struggling to make ends meet when i was growing up, i never got to take the proper lessons. I had a guitar, i just didn’t have anyone to teach me and i know that it shouldn’t be hard and that i can do it if i just believe in myself. i just sometimes look at other people and wish that it would just come to me naturally. 

Some things do but other things don’t. I know that i could write my own songs and play my own music if i learned but i find that when i’m thinking about what song to write it never comes out the way i want it. When i’m listening to instrumentals of songs and i’m in a really good mood words just tend to come out and it sounds so good but when i go to write it down on paper i go completely blank and forgot what i was singing in the first place.

I feel like God has given me soo much talent but right now i don’t know how to perfect it and i don’t know what to do with it. I just want to bring out the best in me. I sometimes feel like i’m not trying my hardest and i feel like i’m a huge disappointment to myself and i don’t ever want to feel that way about myself but i think there is a lack of motivation and i don’t know how to motivate myself…

You know now that i think about it i’m amazed at how sometimes i write and it’s not that interesting and it sounds thought up but when i sit here and write about one little thing i’m thinking about, 5 million other emotions that i didn’t even know i had and thoughts that i wasn’t really thinking come to the surface. Sometimes i don’t even know why i feel a certain way but when i sit and write about it i see a deeper meaning to everything. I feel like my fingers and my mind, the part that is always day dreaming, does all the talking for me..

Well i guess i better get to bed. It’s about to be twelve twenty and i have to wake up early tomorrow cause i have a busy day ahead of me and i need my rest. Night.

Take a deep breath.

Today, despite the fact that i don’t feel too good, has really been a peaceful relaxing day. The weather is beautiful and i feel at peace with myself. That isn’t to say that nothing is going on because something is always going to go on, that’s life. I just think that no matter what happens today i’m going to try my best not to get mad because that would just be a waste of day. It’s just so nice outside. I didn’t go anywhere but i did enjoy myself.

I think the only thing that’s really on my mind is that fact that H is still talking crap. She says that she tries to call me but it always goes to voicemail and i know that’s a lie. The whole month of March i barely talked to anybody at all except for one person and that wasn’t even that often. I have even called her a few times because i have wanted to talk to her but she never answered my calls or called me back. I just feel like what is the point of trying to be somebody’s friend and wanting someone to be there for you when that person just doesn’t want to be. I mean i think it’s horrible to lose a friend but it’s obviously for the better because it seems like i lost her a long time ago. That’s not the type of person i want in my life anymore and i know that now. Maybe she just doesn’t get it but oh well.

By the way! Yesterday wasn’t doomsday at all. It was really sweet! Even though my dad is an ass a lot of the time he still has his really sweet side and i think that he really does love my mom even though he doesn’t know how to show it. I still love my dad no matter what we go through and no matter what happens between us. We’re still a family.

I love how her response to my comment was that she never received my calls. I probably called her like three times and she swears that she didn’t receive them and i don’t believe her. I’m not trying to make it seem like i’m fighting for her attention or i want her to talk to me everyday but how can you say that someone is your best friend when you don’t talk to that person for months at a time and they don’t make an effort to even email you or call you back. I think it’s stupid. I have already been through a friend like that before and i know how it is. I don’t need that stupidity around me and i don’t want it.

People that don’t care about the friends they have and the friends that want to be there for them aren’t true friends at all so at the end of the day i don’t want to be friends with you anymore and my decision is final.

I’m not going to let this ruin my night and i’m not going to make a big deal out of it, it just is what it is.

Wow.

This is probably going to be an extremely short post but i just have to let something out.

To whom it may concern,

I’m very surprised at the fact that you’d leave me a comment on Myspace saying hey i miss you. If you missed me so much you would take at least five minutes out of your “busy” schedule to just call me and say hi. The fact that you have time to call boys or call the party line just puzzles me. The only time you call me is to tell me something that might have happened or to ask me to go with you to meet this “guy” you have been talking to for a while. I honestly don’t want to meet this  person and i honestly don’t want to go with you. Why should i accompany you so that you can spend your time with him and leave me to spend time with myself. I could easily just go to the mall or to dinner by myself. If you really missed me and really were too busy to call you could have sent me a message on myspace two months ago. You knew that my brother was in the hospital and you knew that i was going through a lot but you couldn’t even call me to see if i was okay or to see how i was doing. I have known you for the longest and you have never been there for me when i needed you. I always made sure i was there if you ever needed me but i obviously am not a valued friend so i really don’t care wether you need me anymore or not. If you’re looking for me in the future know that i’m not someone you can count on anymore. You will probably never realize that you actually did something and i won’t call it to your attention because i feel like it isn’t worth it but if you ever ask me why i don’t talk to you i will let you know. I hope that life brings you joy and you succeed in whatever it is that you choose to do. Our friendship has diminished. You will probably never need me and you probably will never really miss me but you will realize that i was a good friend and you took me for granted.

sincerely, Keyla

That feels much better. I might elaborate on this whole little letter thing later if i feel like it.

Depressing is the story of my life.

Very true indeed. I guess you can say i’m a loner but i don’t like it one bit. I figure why tell people about things when people don’t care to listen. Life is one big popularity contest and i am definitely not part of the popularity. No matter how nice i am it doesn’t matter, people just don’t care about that anymore. People don’t know how i feel inside and it wouldn’t matter to them anyway. I’m stressed, i hurt, i cry and yet i’m made out to be a bad person or people just won’t talk to me cause i’m different. I’m the good kind of different. I’m the kind of different girl that is proud to be a woman, the kind of different that doesn’t follow trends. I go by my own style have my own unique personality and try to see the good in everyone. I feel like i’m made out to be a fool because i don’t want to try cigarettes or weed. I don’t want to get wasted and lose my precious brain cells to stupidity. I’m made out to be a fool because i’m a teenager that doesn’t want to act wild and have sex all over the place. It’s hard to be made an outcast for being a good person and having values. I’m sorry that i actually want to be somebody in life. I’m sorry i think about my future and hope to be happy and stable someday. I have been through a lot and to know that i have no one to lean on when i need a shoulder but yet everyone wants to lean on mine ..it’s hard. I still deserve to be happy but it just seems like happiness is so far away from me. I don’t even complain to anyone but myself and i try not to do that. The only thing i get out of complaining is depression. Sometimes i feel like i’m a mistake. I know that i’m not and i shouldn’t feel that way but it’s damn hard. I’ve tried to talk to people and tell them how i feel but i get nothing out of it. They brush it off as if is wasn’t even something important to begin with. What the hell are “friends” for if they can’t comfort you once out of the million times that you have helped to comfort them.

I’m tired of talk to people once throughout a whole damn year just so they can tell me their collection of stories then not talk to me for another whole year. I always say i’m not a people person and it’s not because i don’t want to be ..it’s just that i’m not. i’ve never been around a real family so therefore i really don’t have any. My friends are dropping like flies and even though i haven’t told them i don’t want to be their friends anymore i don’t feel going out or chillin’ at their house, none of that. I’m sick of the people i thought i could call friends and i’m sick of the people in this state. I just want to start over, i want to be able to breathe and not feel like i’m suffocating. I need to be loved too. I need someone to listen to my problems too! I need to be heard and i need to be told once in a while that i’m loved. I’m not good with showing my emotions, i hide them because i feel like talking about it is a waste of breathe. I think it brings me one step closer to death. The way i show emotions is through anger. I can be on the verge of crying and all i would do is curse people out if they don’t leave me alone. People tell me soo much of there bullshit and i feel like i’m juggling theirs and mine. Not because i think about theirs like that but because i think to myself damn, i just wasted a half an hour listening to this bullshit and when i tried to tell her about what i’m going through she just brushed it off and bounced. I have a message to all my ex best friends that used to do that shit to me, FUCK YOU! I know they would read this and be like oh i wonder if she’s talking about so and so cause i know i don’t do that. FUCK YOU TOO BITCH CAUSE YOU DO THAT SHIT TOO! I can honestly say that i didn’t have one best friend in life that didn’t do that shit. All of them did it and they swear that they’re different and that they do not wrong. I have people telling me that they have no best friends in school and that she doesn’t hang out with any of them and the next time i talk to this bitch she was out with them all and then says oh i would have invited you but i didn’t think you would have wanted to go. Don’t tell me that bullshit that you WOULD have invited me blah blah blah. You didn’t because you were with your friends and you act different when you’re around them. I hate when people do that shit. I’m soo tired of it. I just don’t even bother calling people anymore. Why i have a cell phone i don’t even know. I honestly don’t even know, i don’t have minutes now so let’s see how many people try calling my house cause they couldn’t get a hold of me when they needed me. Fuck them all because i’m done with them. I would love to have friends that are 100% there for you and you for them but i’m afraid they don’t exist for me. I hope that when i go to college everything changes because i can’t handle this immature bull crap. I can’t stand fake people and i am on my last thread. I think if i were to have anyone call me to tell me what’s going on with them and some boy or some other bull crap i will go ballistic! I would fucking flip out because my temper has hit the fucking roof! I’d rather go to the beach or the mall with my mom and aunt rather than go with some fake ass bitches. It’s no longer fun to me anymore. Boys come and go, friends are supposed to be forever but apparently i’m the only one that knows how to balance boys with friends. I’m the only one that wants my friends to meet or talk to the boy of interest because their opinion used to matter. But no, all that is in the past. All that is over. I’m a very outspoken person when it comes to people and i’m gonna be that way to the people that i used to call friends and i dare someone to try and tell me that I have changed because then i will give them a huge piece of my mind. I think my nice understanding days are over. All that letting the bullshit slide is over. Maybe i have changed, maybe i’ve realized that i was letting stupid people walk all over me just in a different way. Well that’s not going to happen anymore so i don’t have to worry about it anymore.

Ugh, on top of that i can’t even find peace in church. Well the place i used to call church anyways. Never even cared about us when my brother was in the fucking hospital for a month and a half! No, it had to be practically another whole month later when they call to see if he was alright?! WTF! You should be ashamed of yourself calling yourself a church when you act nothing like a church. I’m talking about people that spread rumors of other people throughout there whole church and i know they’ve said things about my family. I can prove it. If i was somebody else i would curse them all out. Who the hell are they to think they have not faults when you have someone that just wants to go to church to get away from what they’re going through and just want to feel good about themselves and they still are being judged. I’m not the skinniest of people myself but you’re all fat and to sit there and talk about the way other people look! I’m ashamed. I have seen so many other people that could sing better than you and yet you judge people from other churches and criticize their singing?! I want to be a better Christian and i know i have a LONG way to get to where i want to be but these are people who are pastors and deacons! These people should not be associated with the word drama but they are.. Then they wonder why they always lose the members that they gain. They have favorites and they make themselves seem like they’re superior to the others who they could care less about. Honestly, if i didn’t stumble on my spanish at times i would definitely give them a piece of my mind! I think i was just a time bomb waiting to explode and i feel like now is the time. One wrong statement is all it will take. Not even that, just one small look and i’ll be yelling a mile a minute. I have reached my breaking point and it’s not going to be anything pretty ..i assure you.

This has to be probably one of THE longest posts in my blogging history ..but i just had to get some things off of my chest.

Get on point.

Right now that's one of my main priorities. i'm almost 17 and i need to become more independent and start doing things all on my own. Not that it's that hard or that i'm not pretty much use to it already. What i'm REALLY talking about is that i need to start supporting myself financially. I wish there was something easy i could do to make a little money on the side until i turn 18 but up until now i still haven't found anything. I don't want to get a job right at this moment because like i explained before i'm don't really have the time for it and there are a few obstacles that are preventing me from getting one. (Dad) So i have to kinda plan around "them" until then. Easier said than done.

I also have to get a few checkups done before i'm of age. Since my stupid father has never cared about me or my health now seems to be the time to take advantage of the insurance and get everything i need to get done, done.

Thinking back on all the bull crap i have had to put up with i'm glad that i'm turning 18 next year. That way my dad won't be able to claim me anymore on his income tax. The money that i have never even seen or recieved from him ever won't be going to him anymore. Good luck on getting a thousand dollars less every year for the rest of your life! Maybe then he'll choose to spend his money wisely instead of giving it to his good for nothing children who are working, married adults. No, i'm not included.

Which brings me to another point. How do you think you look being a 30 year old, married with one child and still recieving money from your father. On top of that you don't even care about him at all. Okay i understand that he is sick but he's not even THAT sick. He was still asking for money even BEFORE he got sick. Same goes for his other "daughter" ..or maybe i should say only daughter because i'm not considered to be his daughter. She also has a child, a job (she isn't sick mind you), and a freaking boyfriend. If she can afford a brand new car do you really need your dad to support you? Enough said.

Anyways, another way for me to get on point is to establish wether or not i want to keep a couple friends or not. I've already established what there role is in my life (if any) which is something i need to think long and hard about. I've known them for so long, but if the relationship isn't valued is it really worth the trouble? Should i say something to them about it? Maybe confront them or something or should i just keep things to myself and make the decision on my own?

Hmm, decisions decisions.

I'm not really sure how i should go about things. and if that isn't enough pressure already college time is approaching very quickly and i still haven't figured out what in the hell i want to go for. What should i pick to be my major? What should i minor in? Decisions, decisions. What is a girl to do. I know that all of these decisions can only be made by me (well obviously). What i meant was that it doesn't matter what other people say or suggest to me. I'm the only one that knows what's best for me even though it might not be so clear at the moment. With all this thinking i have to do on a daily basis i'm suprised my mind hasn't already exploded into a million pieces.

..I seem to be getting sleepy. I did do a lot today so i suppose i sould get at least SOME rest. Nighty night.

Pissed Off

[Mood: angry]
[Currently: thinking]
[Listening to: Tantrum; Stacie Orrico]

I was in a really good mood coming home form the hospital yesterday because my brother was feeling soo much better and was talking to me and everything. His homeroom teacher came to visit him (he was cute btw AND he was like the perfect guy you could ever meet ever. HA, he was lookin' at me. NO no in that oh she's a weirdo. It was in that she's pretty kinda way. whole nother story..back to what i was saying..) and Hector was really enjoying himself. He wanted to watch a movie and everything.

So yeah, then we had to leave like around 8 i think.. We're in the car and my dad starts talkin. He's like yeah if Hector was walkin' i'd buy him a brand new car. At this point i'm like wtf because he was supposed to get me a car when i go to college but then he said no that i better figure out how to get everything for college and pay for it on my own! So i ask, "what about me?" Then he just repeats what he already said, "i'll give that boy everything" and "that boy deserves everything." So i'm like, "and i don't deserve anything?" He just completely blew me off. I cried. I don't really know why but i did. I was in the backseat so he didn't know but it really upset me. I was mad at myself because i was already in the mind set that i was never gonna cry over anything else that he did to me because i know how he is and it just isn't worth it.

I see now that he care about my brother, and his two other stupid children MORE than he even cares about me.. He just doesn't care about me and it really pisses me off because no matter how good i am to him it doesn't matter.

With all that being said, when he goes to get surgery on his eyes he can go fuck himself if he thinks i'm going to help him with anything. All the shit i have had to put up with from him and i don't deserve anything!? ON TOP OF THAT, later when we were in the house he goes and gives me a handful of change and is like here don't say i never gave you anything..

BITCH WTF!? DON'T SAY YOU NEVER GAVE ME ANYTHING AND HAND ME A BUNCH OF FUCKIN' CHANGE!? LIKE I REALLY NEED YOUR BULLSHIT CHANGE! WTF! YOU CAN TAKE ALL THAT CHANGE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR CRUSTY ASS FOR ALL I CARE! HONESTLY LIKE WTF!?!? I WAS JUST SOO PISSED. LIKE IS THAT ALL I'M FUCKING WORTH TO YOU, YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!??! UGH!!

I was just soo mad. Then he wants me to cook dinner and wash his clothes and crap because my mother has been staying in the hospital and i have to take over the house. He can really just kiss my ass. I have to respect him as a father but he doesn't repect me as a daughter?! He doesn't even consider me his daughter, or better yet he probably wishes that i was never even born..

Yeah, i WAS going to title this post hurt but rethinking it all i think pissed is the right word to name it.