Old Post from here on out.

Okay i don’t really use this blog anymore but i just really need to vent. I’m just soo angry at the fact that you can live with someone in a house and they can just be a complete stranger to you. I just really don’t know. Yeah you may pay the larger bills (not all of them) but that’s all you do. You have a family living in this house that you do not support WHAT SO EVER! How can you sit there and demand food, drinks, soap, toothpaste etc. when you don’t even BUY IT! How dare you act like you have no cares in the world. How in the hell is it that you don’t buy anything in the house and STILL expect to eat breakfast, lunch, AND dinner! You get paid a large amount of money EVERY week yet you’re “BROKE”! WHAT THE HELL! Do you honestly think that we are DUMB! My mom only works weekends, gets paid once every two weeks and makes only a small portion that you make. She buys EVERYTHING and still has money and YOU always claim to be broke. We know you give your grown ass children money behind our back. Grown ass children who have their own family and their OWN CHILDREN AND SHOULD NOT BE NEEDING SUPPORT BECAUSE THEY ARE ALMOST IN THEIR FUCKING 30’s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UGH! it’s more complicated than that but i just can’t even begin to explain.

I’m a hazard to myself.

Once again loneliness is trying to get the best of me and i’m not going to let it. This seems to always happen, i’ve been single for almost a year and loved it then little by little i despise it with every fiber of my being. The feeling comes like clock work and i hate it. It’s not like i’m desperate and can’t control my emotions cause i can, but you just see all the cute couples in the mall or at restaurants and they look so adorable and you just want to share moments like that with someone but you have no one. It’s not like i always want to have a boyfriend or a date and can’t live without them. You just have those moments sometimes where you feel like you want to talk or spend time with someone in a more than friendship kind of way if that makes any sense.. I always see girls with guys they don’t even appreciate or deserve. Guys that are always good to them and are with them no matter what and i wonder. Why do guys go for those type of girls. Yeah, maybe they’re extremely pretty and have the best figure you’ve ever seen but most of them walk with their nose in the air and they’re just completely materialistic. Me, i’m just a simple girl. Yeah i like to go shopping and be a little materialistic once in a while but most of the time i’m not into that stuff. I honestly would rather have a picnic or spend the day at the beach watching the sunset rather than going to some fancy expensive restaurant that doesn’t even serve you a whole plate of food. I’d choose a romantic day out over a gift on my birthday ANYDAY! But where are the guys that are into that kind of stuff. I like acting silly and goofy (not immature) chillin’ in the house and just relax. It doesn’t always have to be serious and we don’t always have to go out. It should JUST be a relationship, it should be a friendship too and i’m all about that. I’m the type of girl that plays video games and play fights for fun. Unfortunately because i’m not skinnier than a pole i get overlooked.

I’m tired of all that. I want to be in a relationship because a person like me for who i am inside AND out. Not just because they want to hit it or whatever. WHERE ARE THESE KIND OF GUYS HIDING?!

So many people claim to be real and aren’t and i just wonder these days..

 

I had some other stuff to say but i forgot so blah.. nothing new or interesting has happened anyway..

Oh, my brother’s prom is next week and i’m soo excited!

:|

Fuck you drama!

I’m just really pissed right now at the fact that H is acting like she never did anything wrong and she’s putting everything on me. I know i make mistakes sometimes i mean i’m only human but i think she’s way out of line. I’ve only been telling her how i felt and she’s basically trying to say that i’m bitter and i’m the one disrespecting her?! She says she valued our friendship but did she really? We never even talked, she never even knew what was going on in my life. I never knew what was going on in hers but it’s not because i didn’t want to know. I just don’t understand how you can consider someone a best friend and you only talk to them like 2 or 3 times a year, literally! That’s complete bull crap. Yeah i might not have an expensive ass cell phone like most people but it does receive calls! Don’t try and make it seem like my phone is the reason behind everything. Voicemails are there for a reason if you supposedly called me like you said you did you could have left one or even sent me a text. Maybe i have done something to hurt you or make you feel some type of way but at least i’ll own up to it. I won’t make it seem like you’re always wrong and i’m always right because that’s not always the case.

The fact that my ex boyfriend is trying to talk to me again and the fact that i’m in a feud with a person i used to call my best friend is definitely not settling. I didn’t really want to argue or have a huge pointless conversation knowing that it wasn’t going to get anywhere. I just wanted to leave it the way it was and just move on. Pretty much what i did with the last friendship that went wrong. I let the person know how i felt and what was bothering me and i left it at that. I tried not to make a big deal of it cause it’s not that big of a deal to me. If you want to continue to life your life and you don’t want to talk to me or answer my calls well whatever i can take a hint and i move on. I’m not going to bitch about it because that’s just how life goes you win some you lose some. When i was going through bull shit i only had one of my friends there for me the whole time and it’s not because the other didn’t know. They just never really cared enough to be there for me when i needed them the most but i never sat there and cried about it. I let it go because i knew that they just weren’t the people i needed in my life. It’s a shame that not everyone can own up to their mistakes but i do. I’ve done a lot of dumb shit in the past whether it be because of a boy or just a dumb decision i’ve made, i can own up to it. I’ve realized the things that i’ve done wrong and i’ve changed my ways and those mistakes have made me the person i am today.

I don’t know maybe i’m wrong for feeling the way i do but i’ve asked a few people if i have a right to feel the way that i do and the people i’ve asked have agreed with me so i just don’t know.

I do know that i don’t really want to be this persons friend anymore because at this point in life i want the people that actually want to be in my life around me. I want people in my life that are actually with me through everything that i go through and vice versa. Our time is limited on this earth and i only want to be around people that i care for and that care for me the same and i know who those people are. I’m trying to work on my future and fulfilling my goals and i only need the people that are going to support me and pick me up when i fall, unfortunately she is not one of those people.

Life goes on..

Tomorrow is doomsday, at least i think it is.

Tomorrow is the day my mom gets married to my dad after eighteen long years. I’m not really excited about it because i don’t think he deserves her, better yet i know he doesn’t deserve her. I knew this day was important to my mom so i was helping her pick out something to wear and picking out something for my dad so he wouldn’t look like a complete idiot. Even though they are getting married through the court system it means something to her. My mom never got married so the fact that she is getting married means the world to her. But no, my dad being the big old selfish fugly ass hole that he is has to start getting angry and saying he doesn’t care because it’s not a big thing anyways. He wants to wear whatever the hell he wants to wear because this day to him is not important what so ever. He stated that he either dresses the way he wants to get married or they don’t get married at all. No one really knows how much i wanted to shove something down his throat so bad when he said that. Never in my life did i imagine that someone could be that selfish. He doesn’t even want me to take any pictures because he doesn’t feel like this moment is important enough to be captured in a photograph.

Not only am i pissed at that but ex best friend, i’ll call her H for specific reasons, finally decides to ask me if i’m all right and if everything is alright in my house. Wtf! Now you want to ask me when you should pretty much know yourself anyways! Forget it i’d rather act like nothing is wrong. I won’t tell you anything at all because talking to you is like talking to a brick fucking wall.

Depressing is the story of my life.

Very true indeed. I guess you can say i’m a loner but i don’t like it one bit. I figure why tell people about things when people don’t care to listen. Life is one big popularity contest and i am definitely not part of the popularity. No matter how nice i am it doesn’t matter, people just don’t care about that anymore. People don’t know how i feel inside and it wouldn’t matter to them anyway. I’m stressed, i hurt, i cry and yet i’m made out to be a bad person or people just won’t talk to me cause i’m different. I’m the good kind of different. I’m the kind of different girl that is proud to be a woman, the kind of different that doesn’t follow trends. I go by my own style have my own unique personality and try to see the good in everyone. I feel like i’m made out to be a fool because i don’t want to try cigarettes or weed. I don’t want to get wasted and lose my precious brain cells to stupidity. I’m made out to be a fool because i’m a teenager that doesn’t want to act wild and have sex all over the place. It’s hard to be made an outcast for being a good person and having values. I’m sorry that i actually want to be somebody in life. I’m sorry i think about my future and hope to be happy and stable someday. I have been through a lot and to know that i have no one to lean on when i need a shoulder but yet everyone wants to lean on mine ..it’s hard. I still deserve to be happy but it just seems like happiness is so far away from me. I don’t even complain to anyone but myself and i try not to do that. The only thing i get out of complaining is depression. Sometimes i feel like i’m a mistake. I know that i’m not and i shouldn’t feel that way but it’s damn hard. I’ve tried to talk to people and tell them how i feel but i get nothing out of it. They brush it off as if is wasn’t even something important to begin with. What the hell are “friends” for if they can’t comfort you once out of the million times that you have helped to comfort them.

I’m tired of talk to people once throughout a whole damn year just so they can tell me their collection of stories then not talk to me for another whole year. I always say i’m not a people person and it’s not because i don’t want to be ..it’s just that i’m not. i’ve never been around a real family so therefore i really don’t have any. My friends are dropping like flies and even though i haven’t told them i don’t want to be their friends anymore i don’t feel going out or chillin’ at their house, none of that. I’m sick of the people i thought i could call friends and i’m sick of the people in this state. I just want to start over, i want to be able to breathe and not feel like i’m suffocating. I need to be loved too. I need someone to listen to my problems too! I need to be heard and i need to be told once in a while that i’m loved. I’m not good with showing my emotions, i hide them because i feel like talking about it is a waste of breathe. I think it brings me one step closer to death. The way i show emotions is through anger. I can be on the verge of crying and all i would do is curse people out if they don’t leave me alone. People tell me soo much of there bullshit and i feel like i’m juggling theirs and mine. Not because i think about theirs like that but because i think to myself damn, i just wasted a half an hour listening to this bullshit and when i tried to tell her about what i’m going through she just brushed it off and bounced. I have a message to all my ex best friends that used to do that shit to me, FUCK YOU! I know they would read this and be like oh i wonder if she’s talking about so and so cause i know i don’t do that. FUCK YOU TOO BITCH CAUSE YOU DO THAT SHIT TOO! I can honestly say that i didn’t have one best friend in life that didn’t do that shit. All of them did it and they swear that they’re different and that they do not wrong. I have people telling me that they have no best friends in school and that she doesn’t hang out with any of them and the next time i talk to this bitch she was out with them all and then says oh i would have invited you but i didn’t think you would have wanted to go. Don’t tell me that bullshit that you WOULD have invited me blah blah blah. You didn’t because you were with your friends and you act different when you’re around them. I hate when people do that shit. I’m soo tired of it. I just don’t even bother calling people anymore. Why i have a cell phone i don’t even know. I honestly don’t even know, i don’t have minutes now so let’s see how many people try calling my house cause they couldn’t get a hold of me when they needed me. Fuck them all because i’m done with them. I would love to have friends that are 100% there for you and you for them but i’m afraid they don’t exist for me. I hope that when i go to college everything changes because i can’t handle this immature bull crap. I can’t stand fake people and i am on my last thread. I think if i were to have anyone call me to tell me what’s going on with them and some boy or some other bull crap i will go ballistic! I would fucking flip out because my temper has hit the fucking roof! I’d rather go to the beach or the mall with my mom and aunt rather than go with some fake ass bitches. It’s no longer fun to me anymore. Boys come and go, friends are supposed to be forever but apparently i’m the only one that knows how to balance boys with friends. I’m the only one that wants my friends to meet or talk to the boy of interest because their opinion used to matter. But no, all that is in the past. All that is over. I’m a very outspoken person when it comes to people and i’m gonna be that way to the people that i used to call friends and i dare someone to try and tell me that I have changed because then i will give them a huge piece of my mind. I think my nice understanding days are over. All that letting the bullshit slide is over. Maybe i have changed, maybe i’ve realized that i was letting stupid people walk all over me just in a different way. Well that’s not going to happen anymore so i don’t have to worry about it anymore.

Ugh, on top of that i can’t even find peace in church. Well the place i used to call church anyways. Never even cared about us when my brother was in the fucking hospital for a month and a half! No, it had to be practically another whole month later when they call to see if he was alright?! WTF! You should be ashamed of yourself calling yourself a church when you act nothing like a church. I’m talking about people that spread rumors of other people throughout there whole church and i know they’ve said things about my family. I can prove it. If i was somebody else i would curse them all out. Who the hell are they to think they have not faults when you have someone that just wants to go to church to get away from what they’re going through and just want to feel good about themselves and they still are being judged. I’m not the skinniest of people myself but you’re all fat and to sit there and talk about the way other people look! I’m ashamed. I have seen so many other people that could sing better than you and yet you judge people from other churches and criticize their singing?! I want to be a better Christian and i know i have a LONG way to get to where i want to be but these are people who are pastors and deacons! These people should not be associated with the word drama but they are.. Then they wonder why they always lose the members that they gain. They have favorites and they make themselves seem like they’re superior to the others who they could care less about. Honestly, if i didn’t stumble on my spanish at times i would definitely give them a piece of my mind! I think i was just a time bomb waiting to explode and i feel like now is the time. One wrong statement is all it will take. Not even that, just one small look and i’ll be yelling a mile a minute. I have reached my breaking point and it’s not going to be anything pretty ..i assure you.

This has to be probably one of THE longest posts in my blogging history ..but i just had to get some things off of my chest.