Friday, April 3, 2009

Depressing is the story of my life.

Very true indeed. I guess you can say i’m a loner but i don’t like it one bit. I figure why tell people about things when people don’t care to listen. Life is one big popularity contest and i am definitely not part of the popularity. No matter how nice i am it doesn’t matter, people just don’t care about that anymore. People don’t know how i feel inside and it wouldn’t matter to them anyway. I’m stressed, i hurt, i cry and yet i’m made out to be a bad person or people just won’t talk to me cause i’m different. I’m the good kind of different. I’m the kind of different girl that is proud to be a woman, the kind of different that doesn’t follow trends. I go by my own style have my own unique personality and try to see the good in everyone. I feel like i’m made out to be a fool because i don’t want to try cigarettes or weed. I don’t want to get wasted and lose my precious brain cells to stupidity. I’m made out to be a fool because i’m a teenager that doesn’t want to act wild and have sex all over the place. It’s hard to be made an outcast for being a good person and having values. I’m sorry that i actually want to be somebody in life. I’m sorry i think about my future and hope to be happy and stable someday. I have been through a lot and to know that i have no one to lean on when i need a shoulder but yet everyone wants to lean on mine’s hard. I still deserve to be happy but it just seems like happiness is so far away from me. I don’t even complain to anyone but myself and i try not to do that. The only thing i get out of complaining is depression. Sometimes i feel like i’m a mistake. I know that i’m not and i shouldn’t feel that way but it’s damn hard. I’ve tried to talk to people and tell them how i feel but i get nothing out of it. They brush it off as if is wasn’t even something important to begin with. What the hell are “friends” for if they can’t comfort you once out of the million times that you have helped to comfort them.

I’m tired of talk to people once throughout a whole damn year just so they can tell me their collection of stories then not talk to me for another whole year. I always say i’m not a people person and it’s not because i don’t want to be’s just that i’m not. i’ve never been around a real family so therefore i really don’t have any. My friends are dropping like flies and even though i haven’t told them i don’t want to be their friends anymore i don’t feel going out or chillin’ at their house, none of that. I’m sick of the people i thought i could call friends and i’m sick of the people in this state. I just want to start over, i want to be able to breathe and not feel like i’m suffocating. I need to be loved too. I need someone to listen to my problems too! I need to be heard and i need to be told once in a while that i’m loved. I’m not good with showing my emotions, i hide them because i feel like talking about it is a waste of breathe. I think it brings me one step closer to death. The way i show emotions is through anger. I can be on the verge of crying and all i would do is curse people out if they don’t leave me alone. People tell me soo much of there bullshit and i feel like i’m juggling theirs and mine. Not because i think about theirs like that but because i think to myself damn, i just wasted a half an hour listening to this bullshit and when i tried to tell her about what i’m going through she just brushed it off and bounced. I have a message to all my ex best friends that used to do that shit to me, FUCK YOU! I know they would read this and be like oh i wonder if she’s talking about so and so cause i know i don’t do that. FUCK YOU TOO BITCH CAUSE YOU DO THAT SHIT TOO! I can honestly say that i didn’t have one best friend in life that didn’t do that shit. All of them did it and they swear that they’re different and that they do not wrong. I have people telling me that they have no best friends in school and that she doesn’t hang out with any of them and the next time i talk to this bitch she was out with them all and then says oh i would have invited you but i didn’t think you would have wanted to go. Don’t tell me that bullshit that you WOULD have invited me blah blah blah. You didn’t because you were with your friends and you act different when you’re around them. I hate when people do that shit. I’m soo tired of it. I just don’t even bother calling people anymore. Why i have a cell phone i don’t even know. I honestly don’t even know, i don’t have minutes now so let’s see how many people try calling my house cause they couldn’t get a hold of me when they needed me. Fuck them all because i’m done with them. I would love to have friends that are 100% there for you and you for them but i’m afraid they don’t exist for me. I hope that when i go to college everything changes because i can’t handle this immature bull crap. I can’t stand fake people and i am on my last thread. I think if i were to have anyone call me to tell me what’s going on with them and some boy or some other bull crap i will go ballistic! I would fucking flip out because my temper has hit the fucking roof! I’d rather go to the beach or the mall with my mom and aunt rather than go with some fake ass bitches. It’s no longer fun to me anymore. Boys come and go, friends are supposed to be forever but apparently i’m the only one that knows how to balance boys with friends. I’m the only one that wants my friends to meet or talk to the boy of interest because their opinion used to matter. But no, all that is in the past. All that is over. I’m a very outspoken person when it comes to people and i’m gonna be that way to the people that i used to call friends and i dare someone to try and tell me that I have changed because then i will give them a huge piece of my mind. I think my nice understanding days are over. All that letting the bullshit slide is over. Maybe i have changed, maybe i’ve realized that i was letting stupid people walk all over me just in a different way. Well that’s not going to happen anymore so i don’t have to worry about it anymore.

Ugh, on top of that i can’t even find peace in church. Well the place i used to call church anyways. Never even cared about us when my brother was in the fucking hospital for a month and a half! No, it had to be practically another whole month later when they call to see if he was alright?! WTF! You should be ashamed of yourself calling yourself a church when you act nothing like a church. I’m talking about people that spread rumors of other people throughout there whole church and i know they’ve said things about my family. I can prove it. If i was somebody else i would curse them all out. Who the hell are they to think they have not faults when you have someone that just wants to go to church to get away from what they’re going through and just want to feel good about themselves and they still are being judged. I’m not the skinniest of people myself but you’re all fat and to sit there and talk about the way other people look! I’m ashamed. I have seen so many other people that could sing better than you and yet you judge people from other churches and criticize their singing?! I want to be a better Christian and i know i have a LONG way to get to where i want to be but these are people who are pastors and deacons! These people should not be associated with the word drama but they are.. Then they wonder why they always lose the members that they gain. They have favorites and they make themselves seem like they’re superior to the others who they could care less about. Honestly, if i didn’t stumble on my spanish at times i would definitely give them a piece of my mind! I think i was just a time bomb waiting to explode and i feel like now is the time. One wrong statement is all it will take. Not even that, just one small look and i’ll be yelling a mile a minute. I have reached my breaking point and it’s not going to be anything pretty ..i assure you.

This has to be probably one of THE longest posts in my blogging history ..but i just had to get some things off of my chest.

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