And here i am. (If you can start a sentence with and? i was always told we couldn't in grade school but oh well there it goes anyway.) I'm not really all that tired but i have made a deal with myself that i will go to sleep when i'm done this post.. or at least by 2:30.
I was just thinking about my life in 2009 so far and this is definitely not where i wanted to be and not where i though i would be. I really thought that this year would be soo different. Yeah, i know it's only close to the beginning of the year but damn. My birthday is almost here and i have nothing to be happy for.Well, with the exception of my brother and a few other things. Other than that i have absolutely nothing at all. In some ways i feel ashamed of myself but then i think about it and it's not at all my fault. It's not my fault that i'm too young and don't have enough experience to find a job. It's not my fault i live where i do. It definitely isn't my fault that no one cares enough to know how i feel. Not my fault that my "family" (whom i don't even want to be a part of anyway) has always rejected me and it's not my fault they're drunk whores and drugee delinquants. (Is that how it's spelled?) Not my fault that my dad doesn't love me and that i get treated like a piece of garbage that you see on the sidewalk. NOT MY FAULT.
I'm tired of not being able to do whatever it is that i wanna do. (Mind you it's nothing bad at all) People just keep trying to hold me back from starting my own future and it's hard trying to stop people from doing so. I don't control any of the damn situations that i'm in and there is no way that i can. Too many things going on at once my head is freakin' spinning.
Btw, wtf at Chris Brown assaulting Rihanna! What ever happened to "ima fight a man tonight." ? CB is a woman beater and even though i really didn't like him anyway he lost MAJOR points with a lot of woman. *Tsk tsk. Shame on you Mister Brown. ..I wish somebody woulda caught all this on tape, damn.
Mucnchin' on some dang cheez-its. I really shouldn't freakin' be eating this late but oh well right? I shouldn't even be up but whatever i have ten more mintes to say whatever the hell i feel.
I really need new friends. I was thinking all about it and i only truly have one friend that i can sit here and say is my best friend. I used to call my other two "best friends" but one i never talk to unless she feels like talkin' and calls me. The second one i use to talk to alot but ever since her man we sorda drifted apart. I mean is it just me or aren't you supposed to actually talk and keep in touch in order to maintain a relationship.. or in this case a "friendship." Hmm, i guess the friendship wasn't really that important to some people. Better for me though because i know who to tell everything to and who not to tell anything to. Plus i know who's really there for me when i need them and who's not. To think that i've known these people for soo long and it still doesn't count for anything. If things get worse than they are now then eventually people will be dropped. I was forced to do it once before and i was hoping i wouldn't have to do it again but i'm not afraid to. It just kinda sucks but then you just have to suck it up and move along. Well, that's what i'll do if i come to realize that the friendship may not be repairable. Plus, it's not like i disappeared off the face of the earth. Everyone that needs to know my number knows it. Sometimes i call people and my phone calls never get returned. Important or not the least thing you could do is return a phone call. Like damn, i know you're busy talking to different guys all the time but to not even be able to put one night aside and be like let me call her because i know she called me the other day blah blah blah. It's like people only call when they need shit but it doesn't matter if you're going through shit because you can do it alone right? Wrong, sometimes you can't just deal with shit alone because sometimes things get really tough and you need to know that people are behind you 100%. I don't even have that!
Oh how the world is soo cruel..