Lover of Life

Ninja Assassin

2010-03-27T16:40:00.000-07:00

Just got finished watching this movie and I must say that it was pretty awesome! I want to marry him.

I'm alive and different!

2010-03-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

My first post in almost a year. Yup, It's 2010, Graduation Year! I'm so happy about that. These past few years definitely haven't been a walk in the park to be honest. I am finally 18 years old and even though I didn't think it was possible, I've grown so much! I am so much smarter and wiser than I was a year ago and if you go back and read all of my old posts you can definitely see the difference in my writing. I've learned so much about life and so many things have changed. I'm so much closer to my family than I was before and there is no more arguing or being mad over things that don't even make sense anymore. I'm truly happy this year, everything is going right for me. I'm not going to get into too much detail in this post, I'll leave that for later.

This time around my blog is going to go through some changes. A few things will be different. I'm not going to use it JUST to share my thoughts about my life, I feel like it's being a little selfish. I want to share with you my thoughts on some things that are going on in this world right now. I want to give a closer look into my life, share with you my style. Maybe make some videos and share them with you. I want to show you the things I love and also the things I hate. I want this blog to reach out to other people and maybe make some great friends during the process. I want to make it more interesting because as of now this blog was so boring that I even bored myself with it. Haha, but in all seriousness I want to use this blog to connect with people and share things with them. I'm not sure how good it will be but it's a start.

Old Post from here on out.

2009-08-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

Okay i don’t really use this blog anymore but i just really need to vent. I’m just soo angry at the fact that you can live with someone in a house and they can just be a complete stranger to you. I just really don’t know. Yeah you may pay the larger bills (not all of them) but that’s all you do. You have a family living in this house that you do not support WHAT SO EVER! How can you sit there and demand food, drinks, soap, toothpaste etc. when you don’t even BUY IT! How dare you act like you have no cares in the world. How in the hell is it that you don’t buy anything in the house and STILL expect to eat breakfast, lunch, AND dinner! You get paid a large amount of money EVERY week yet you’re “BROKE”! WHAT THE HELL! Do you honestly think that we are DUMB! My mom only works weekends, gets paid once every two weeks and makes only a small portion that you make. She buys EVERYTHING and still has money and YOU always claim to be broke. We know you give your grown ass children money behind our back. Grown ass children who have their own family and their OWN CHILDREN AND SHOULD NOT BE NEEDING SUPPORT BECAUSE THEY ARE ALMOST IN THEIR FUCKING 30’s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UGH! it’s more complicated than that but i just can’t even begin to explain.

I’m a hazard to myself.

2009-05-08T22:42:00.001-07:00

Once again loneliness is trying to get the best of me and i’m not going to let it. This seems to always happen, i’ve been single for almost a year and loved it then little by little i despise it with every fiber of my being. The feeling comes like clock work and i hate it. It’s not like i’m desperate and can’t control my emotions cause i can, but you just see all the cute couples in the mall or at restaurants and they look so adorable and you just want to share moments like that with someone but you have no one. It’s not like i always want to have a boyfriend or a date and can’t live without them. You just have those moments sometimes where you feel like you want to talk or spend time with someone in a more than friendship kind of way if that makes any sense.. I always see girls with guys they don’t even appreciate or deserve. Guys that are always good to them and are with them no matter what and i wonder. Why do guys go for those type of girls. Yeah, maybe they’re extremely pretty and have the best figure you’ve ever seen but most of them walk with their nose in the air and they’re just completely materialistic. Me, i’m just a simple girl. Yeah i like to go shopping and be a little materialistic once in a while but most of the time i’m not into that stuff. I honestly would rather have a picnic or spend the day at the beach watching the sunset rather than going to some fancy expensive restaurant that doesn’t even serve you a whole plate of food. I’d choose a romantic day out over a gift on my birthday ANYDAY! But where are the guys that are into that kind of stuff. I like acting silly and goofy (not immature) chillin’ in the house and just relax. It doesn’t always have to be serious and we don’t always have to go out. It should JUST be a relationship, it should be a friendship too and i’m all about that. I’m the type of girl that plays video games and play fights for fun. Unfortunately because i’m not skinnier than a pole i get overlooked.

I’m tired of all that. I want to be in a relationship because a person like me for who i am inside AND out. Not just because they want to hit it or whatever. WHERE ARE THESE KIND OF GUYS HIDING?!

So many people claim to be real and aren’t and i just wonder these days..

I had some other stuff to say but i forgot so blah.. nothing new or interesting has happened anyway..

Oh, my brother’s prom is next week and i’m soo excited!

Cause i’m dreaming of you tonight.

2009-05-04T19:17:00.001-07:00

I had the weirdest dream last night that i had a boyfriend and we were just making out. I’ve had dreams about having boyfriends before but they weren’t like that. It kinda made me miss having a boyfriend and being able to spend time with that “special someone” and having someone tell you they care about you. (and mean it) Sometimes you just want someone to wrap you in their arms and you feel safe even if it’s just for that moment. Hmm, i don’t know i have times where i’m just like heck no i don’t what a boyfriend ever but then i have my moments where i’m just kinda lonely and i just want to have someone of the opposite sex to talk to because talking to “girl friends” just isn’t the same as talking to someone who you’re with or thinking about going out with.

CONFESSION: I like guys.. (well duh) i’m a huge flirt, but not in that slutty way. I just like talking to guys in general even if it’s just as friends because i think i have more in common with guys then i do with my girl friends cause they aren’t into the types of things that i’m into so yeah..

Anyways i was practicing the guitar today and i’ve been hearing this vibrating when i play the guitar. I think the strings are loose or something and it’s just annoying when i’m trying to practice and i don’t know how to get rid of it so i barely got to practice today. I don’t know how i’m supposed to practice if it doesn’t sound right. Grrr! Oh well i’ll fix it eventually.

Blah i need to find some new people to talk to because i don’t talk to the people i know that much anymore. Eh, i don’t know i guess you just talk to people so much that you just have nothing else to discuss. Oh well..

Typical Day

2009-05-01T20:29:00.001-07:00

Today was more of a relax do whatever i felt like doing type of day. I was struggling trying to figure out what i wanted to do with my blog and how i wanted and i ended up changing the layout yet again! I’m never satisfied with having a layout for more than a week unless i really really like it and i haven’t really been liking it so blah. I’m probably going to stick with this one though just change it a few times to my liking.

Today was my dad’s first day at work again so the house was nice and quiet! lol We all needed a break from him, don’t get me wrong i love my dad but i just can’t be around him to long cause then it just gets to be too much. I think being in the house too long drives him crazy and then he drives US crazy.

I haven’t had much to write about lately. I’ve been pretty busy but it’s nothing interesting that i really would want to write about in here. Oh yeahh, i haven’t really been practicing the guitar lately because i haven’t had the time to but i’m going to have time tomorrow so i’m gonna make sure i learn at least one chord and hopefully my guitar is still tuned since my strings were new and unused they keep un-tuning themselves. I can’t wait till i can play tunes so i can make my own songs then i won’t have to worry about un-godly music and what not.. but i’m not going to get into this topic right now. Next time..

HURRAY!

2009-05-01T13:27:00.001-07:00

I’ve decided not to migrate to wordpress for now i guess. It’s just wayy too much work and confusion and they still don’t have any good layouts that satisfy me so blah. I’m staying or blogger for a long while i guess. It isn’t horrible just sometimes majorly annoying but i’ll deal.

I always change my mind..

2009-05-01T12:05:00.001-07:00

I’m thinking about changing my blog back to wordpress. Not really sure if i want to because i wouldn’t be able to customize it like i do with this blog BUT wordpress is more like a little webpage and i could do more with that so idk i’m debating on it. If there is a way to get around having to pay to add css on it would lovee to ifind it cause i’m in no position to pay for stuff right now but ugh.. I don’t know i’ll just have to make a new one and see how it looks then i’ll make my decision.

Help meee!

2009-04-30T15:24:00.001-07:00

I’ve been trying to edit my blog for like three or four days trying different backgrounds and what no and none of them look good. I’m definitely terrible at being creative when it comes to my blog. I’ll have to get some ideas off the internet somewhere.

Ps. we were playing with the dogs today. I wish i would have been able to take pictures but my lazy self didn’t feel like running upstairs to get my camera. Cindy definitely did not wanna go back inside. When we tried to push her in she just laid flat on the ground and made herself into a rag doll. We grabbed her legs and try to carry her and she was STILL LIMP lmao! I don’t care want anyone says just cause they’re animals doesn’t mean they’re stupid.

Such an effing turn off!

2009-04-29T04:32:00.000-07:00

I was texting this guy last night out of complete boredom and we’re just going back and forth like whatever he seemed okay. I was starting to get tired so i ended up falling asleep on our conversation or whatever you want to call it. I JUST remembered that i was talking to him so i checked to see if i got a new text and read it and it said “are you still woke” ..WTF! Sorry, but to me that is one of the most unattractive things like ever. This dude is supposed to be 19.. i mean what the hell were you doing in school while the rest of the class was learning past, present and future tense? I know i don’t talk perfectly and maybe i have a little accent or i talk a little slang-ish but i do know and speak proper english. Obviously he isn’t on planning on going to college and if he is (i never got to ask) i hope the word awake or in his vocabulary “woke” doesn’t show up in any of his essays or term papers or whatever.

Maybe i’m over-reacting or making this into a big deal when it’s not but i don’t think all of the improper ghetto-ish talk is attractive but girls around here do. I even know someone who talk improper on purpose because they think it’s cute.. they have major problems.

:[

2009-04-27T22:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight is one of those nights where i wish that i had a boyfriend.. Someone that i could spend time with and talk to when i’m feeling lonely..

Not what i expected.

2009-04-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

I’m so freaking mad right now. I gave my dog a bath yesterday and not only him but our two other dogs as huge and fat as they are and i was tired after that. Today i just wanted to relax and enjoy the weather and stay cool inside the house. No, i couldn’t do that at all i had to hurry up and get dressed after i had just woke up. I had to get insulted and yelled at because i didn’t get ready in five minutes like my dad wanted me too, excuse me for being a girl and having to do my hair cause it was a mess. Then we had to pick this freaking heavy ass wheelchair and put it in his truck because he didn’t want to use the van. So we had to break our back to pick it up while he was there looking pretty because we had to use more force than he did. After all that crap he couldn’t even buy us water ice because it was so effing hot! We could have just stayed in the house and be cool cause it wasn’t our responsibility to take that chair over to the store to sell it in the first place. UGHHHHH. i was soo mad!

A picture of my precious doggie.

youtube!

2009-04-26T21:55:00.001-07:00

I decided to make another youtube account so that i would get motivated to post videos and ish on here and on myspace or wherever else i feel like posting them. I’m in love with the cute little screen name i came up with so i’ve decided to change the name of my blog to it. Plus i don’t really feel like the old title goes with me or my personality anymore since i feel like i’m finding out who i am more and more everyday. pinkyystatus! It was completely random and i came up with it out of the blue haha but it sounds kinda funky, atleast i think so, AND i’m pretty much going to call myself that from now on when i’m not using my actual nickname. Plus, my favorite color is pink so it all works out perfectly. I had pretty much had pinky on my myspace for a little while so pinkyystatus came from that.

What sucks is that my channel/page/ profile whatever you want to call it is pretty much bald. I have not friends, of course i’m not gonna have any friends or subscribers cause i just made this new one but i want friends! Haha, i need new friends on myspace too but that’s a different story.

Damnit, i just noticed that sometimes when i’m typing really fast and don’t reread what i have already written there is a lot missing. Haha that kind of rhymed. But no i mean like i have a few missing words. I guess i’m just thinking faster than i can type. It’s really annoying though when i go back to it and what i wrote looks like it doesn’t even make sense and i have to fix it. BLAH!

Why do our ways have to be so complicated.

2009-04-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

I was reading somebody’s blog and it was funny cause what they said actually applied to me too. When my brother was in this hospital and i was the only one home during the day my independence kicked and i was the one cooking, cleaning, and doing pretty much everything there was to do in the house. Well, except pay the bills, but i pretty much act like i’m living on my own. When i’m on my own i get things done faster and i’m more productive. I think i do better living on my own rather than living with people. Living with my family, especially when they’re all home i feel like i’m lazy and i get distracted easily. When i was by myself i was waking up really early on my own and when my family is home sometimes i feel like it’s so hard to wake up early. When they’re home i feel like i just need to worry about myself and cleaning my OWN room instead of the house because i don’t make any of the messes. When they’re not home i play independent and when they are i play the daughter. I complicate the hell outta myself sometimes.

Anyways, it’s soo hot outside. I’ll probably take a picture later after i give Chico a bath because i know his tummy is upset because of the heat so it’ll make him feel better. This kind of weather makes me miss Puerto Rico beaches. I can’t wait till the day i move to Florida and take Chico with me. I know he’ll love the weather and enjoy the pretty beaches since he’s never really been to one. I know i’m gonna love living on my own, sitting outside sipping on some pina coladas.. haha even though it won’t be like that at all but i like to day dream. I think Chico deserves a vacation just as much as i do.

Just some randomness (untitled)

2009-04-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

Okay so i’m having some kind of a problem, it’s nothing major but it is a problem to me. Actually it’s kind of stupid when you think about it lol but whatever here it goes. So i used to date this guy.. (more like a little kid by the way he acted) Haha but anyways the beginning was nice and i thought i was in love. (key word thought) It didn’t last long because it didn’t take me long to realize that he was immature and that i definitely wasn’t in love with him at all. I think i was more in love with the idea of him, at that time i was going through so much and i though that having a boyfriend would make me feel better which was definitely the wrong thing. After that whole relationship was over i realized that i was settling for garbage when i deserved so much more. Now, i’m kind of afraid to get into another relationship like that, i just want so much more. So there are times when i’m talking to a guy or looking at one and i’m like eww that guy reminds me of *his name here* by the way he dresses or oh he reminds me of him cause of the way he talks or the way he looks. I don’t know why but i think that relationship was a nightmare and i guess maybe i’m still living in that nightmare or something lol. When i broke up with him i stopped talking to guys altogether. No, i didn’t turn into a lesbian but i realized that i wanted to take a huge break and i guess i’m still on it. It’s funny because i can talk to some guys and maybe we kinda click but when i talk to some other guys i just have nothing to say.I feel like i used to know how to keep a conversation with most guys but now i’m just kinda lost.. I think i’m just not trying to date guys that don’t fit my interest at all and right now i don’t want to be in a relationship. If i were to find someone that i truly click with then i just want to take it slow and really get to know the person this time and even though i have done that many times before i want it to be different.

By the way, the host of Tough Love.. i’m not sure what his name is but he’s hott on soo many different levels. His looks are hott, his personality is bomb, and the way he treats women is just perfect. He knows how to treat a lady and knows what it takes to be in a relationship from what i’ve seen. I don’t necessarily want a man like him but i want someone that knows those things and acts in a proper, respectful manner.

Yay, i’m learning!

2009-04-19T19:55:00.001-07:00

haha i think i finally learned how to tune my guitar. Not the greatest accomplishment but it’s definitely a start. I just have to get used to moving my fingers to try and make the different chords, it’s kinda hard to do but i’ll learn.

I’m really effing proud of myself. This isn’t something that i want to try and quit, i really want to learn to play the guitar and i’m gonna stick to it until i do.

Wish me luck. :p

Go ahead and just ruin my day

2009-04-18T09:59:00.001-07:00

Fuck. I had a busy day yesterday so i just want to relax and enjoy myself but noo that won’t happen because my father’s daughter is coming over.. (No i don’t consider her to be my sister) She doesn’t care about my dad and what happens to him, all she cares about is how much money he’s going to give her and it’s not right. I don’t really want to get into it though i just wanted to tell somebody but i didn’t have anyone to tell..

A few things

2009-04-16T21:12:00.001-07:00

Okay so tomorrow is my best friends big day. I’m soo excited for her! I know that she’s going to look pretty. I’m just a little bit jealous because i know that i’m never going to have a prom.. BUT that’s okay because it’s what i chose to do. I knew that when i made the decision to be home schooled i gave up the chance to have a real graduation and participate in prom. I do have my reasons as to why i didn’t want to continue being in regular high school but i don’t really want to get into that right now.

So i watch this show called Taking the Stage and i really enjoy it. That fact these kids are so talented and use that talent to their own advantage amazes me. I feel like i have soo many talents but i never pursued them so little by little i’m letting them go to waste. I guess the main thing that i like to do and i find myself always doing is writing. Writing takes me to a whole other place where i can just daydream and see things how i want to see it. Another thing i’ve always wanted to fully put my time into is photography. I feel like with on picture, no matter what it is, you can tell a million different stories. You can take a picture of something that looks one way to you but when you look at it in the picture it looks truly amazing, like something you would have never expected.

I love to sing.. and i’ve always been into music ever since i was a child. I would always try to make up my own songs which weren’t really that good but hey i was little. I’ve always dreamed of playing the guitar and making my own music even if it was just for me but since we were struggling to make ends meet when i was growing up, i never got to take the proper lessons. I had a guitar, i just didn’t have anyone to teach me and i know that it shouldn’t be hard and that i can do it if i just believe in myself. i just sometimes look at other people and wish that it would just come to me naturally.

Some things do but other things don’t. I know that i could write my own songs and play my own music if i learned but i find that when i’m thinking about what song to write it never comes out the way i want it. When i’m listening to instrumentals of songs and i’m in a really good mood words just tend to come out and it sounds so good but when i go to write it down on paper i go completely blank and forgot what i was singing in the first place.

I feel like God has given me soo much talent but right now i don’t know how to perfect it and i don’t know what to do with it. I just want to bring out the best in me. I sometimes feel like i’m not trying my hardest and i feel like i’m a huge disappointment to myself and i don’t ever want to feel that way about myself but i think there is a lack of motivation and i don’t know how to motivate myself…

You know now that i think about it i’m amazed at how sometimes i write and it’s not that interesting and it sounds thought up but when i sit here and write about one little thing i’m thinking about, 5 million other emotions that i didn’t even know i had and thoughts that i wasn’t really thinking come to the surface. Sometimes i don’t even know why i feel a certain way but when i sit and write about it i see a deeper meaning to everything. I feel like my fingers and my mind, the part that is always day dreaming, does all the talking for me..

Well i guess i better get to bed. It’s about to be twelve twenty and i have to wake up early tomorrow cause i have a busy day ahead of me and i need my rest. Night.

Page temporarily underconstruction

2009-04-16T13:22:00.001-07:00

until further notice

Whatever comes to mind.

2009-04-12T21:46:00.001-07:00

So i’m kinda thinking i’ll do a vlog soon just because i haven’t done one ever and what good is a webcam or camera when you don’t use it, right? Plus, i get lazy sometimes so doing a vlog every now and then would be great for when i don’t feel like typing.

So happy Easter to probably only one person that happens to cross my blog which in reality is probably no one but ugh eventually i will have at least a few readers.. i hope. I kinda like the idea of someone commenting on my posts with their own personal opinions. I like hearing what people have to say, it’s interesting most of the time.

I made up with my best friend. I didn’t think i would but we talked it out and resolved the issues. I guess i kinda blew it out of proportion.. well just a little bit but i was really pissed at the situation so i guess maybe i just wasn’t thinking.

Things have really been going good with life lately. I still have some things that i don’t like about it but there will always be something that doesn’t really float your boat. These moments are probably the best i’ve had so far this year. We all kinda started new years off on the wrong foot so i’m glad that my whole year doesn’t have to be bad.

Oh i forgot to write about this the other day but i finally checked my sugar to see if i had diabetes or not. Even though it isn’t certain if i’ll have it in the future or not i definitely know that i don’t have it now. I’m really glad too because that effing needle left a bruise on my poor finger! It still hurts.. when i checked my sugar it was 85. It may have been just a tiny bit low cause i think the normal is like 90-120 it’s still not bad. It’s like what 5 points off so i’m not stressing about it.

I’m really mad at myself right now because i had at least one important thing that i wanted to say and i don’t remember.. damn.

I watched Marley & Me yesterday and OH MY GOSH! That movie is the saddest movie in the history of forever. Marley was so effing cute [SPOILER] and to think that he died the end of the movie was so sad.. i cried so hard and i looked like such a fool. If my dog were to leave me any time soon i would die..

Fuck you drama!

2009-04-11T23:55:00.000-07:00

I’m just really pissed right now at the fact that H is acting like she never did anything wrong and she’s putting everything on me. I know i make mistakes sometimes i mean i’m only human but i think she’s way out of line. I’ve only been telling her how i felt and she’s basically trying to say that i’m bitter and i’m the one disrespecting her?! She says she valued our friendship but did she really? We never even talked, she never even knew what was going on in my life. I never knew what was going on in hers but it’s not because i didn’t want to know. I just don’t understand how you can consider someone a best friend and you only talk to them like 2 or 3 times a year, literally! That’s complete bull crap. Yeah i might not have an expensive ass cell phone like most people but it does receive calls! Don’t try and make it seem like my phone is the reason behind everything. Voicemails are there for a reason if you supposedly called me like you said you did you could have left one or even sent me a text. Maybe i have done something to hurt you or make you feel some type of way but at least i’ll own up to it. I won’t make it seem like you’re always wrong and i’m always right because that’s not always the case.

The fact that my ex boyfriend is trying to talk to me again and the fact that i’m in a feud with a person i used to call my best friend is definitely not settling. I didn’t really want to argue or have a huge pointless conversation knowing that it wasn’t going to get anywhere. I just wanted to leave it the way it was and just move on. Pretty much what i did with the last friendship that went wrong. I let the person know how i felt and what was bothering me and i left it at that. I tried not to make a big deal of it cause it’s not that big of a deal to me. If you want to continue to life your life and you don’t want to talk to me or answer my calls well whatever i can take a hint and i move on. I’m not going to bitch about it because that’s just how life goes you win some you lose some. When i was going through bull shit i only had one of my friends there for me the whole time and it’s not because the other didn’t know. They just never really cared enough to be there for me when i needed them the most but i never sat there and cried about it. I let it go because i knew that they just weren’t the people i needed in my life. It’s a shame that not everyone can own up to their mistakes but i do. I’ve done a lot of dumb shit in the past whether it be because of a boy or just a dumb decision i’ve made, i can own up to it. I’ve realized the things that i’ve done wrong and i’ve changed my ways and those mistakes have made me the person i am today.

I don’t know maybe i’m wrong for feeling the way i do but i’ve asked a few people if i have a right to feel the way that i do and the people i’ve asked have agreed with me so i just don’t know.

I do know that i don’t really want to be this persons friend anymore because at this point in life i want the people that actually want to be in my life around me. I want people in my life that are actually with me through everything that i go through and vice versa. Our time is limited on this earth and i only want to be around people that i care for and that care for me the same and i know who those people are. I’m trying to work on my future and fulfilling my goals and i only need the people that are going to support me and pick me up when i fall, unfortunately she is not one of those people.

Life goes on..

Quick update.

2009-04-11T00:11:00.001-07:00

I knew i had this weird feeling like if something random was going to happen and even though i didn’t pay attention to it something did happen. Funny how things happen, one minute you’re just minding your own business and the next thing you know your ex boyfriend from a long time ago instant messages you.

To be continued…

Take a deep breath.

2009-04-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

Today, despite the fact that i don’t feel too good, has really been a peaceful relaxing day. The weather is beautiful and i feel at peace with myself. That isn’t to say that nothing is going on because something is always going to go on, that’s life. I just think that no matter what happens today i’m going to try my best not to get mad because that would just be a waste of day. It’s just so nice outside. I didn’t go anywhere but i did enjoy myself.

I think the only thing that’s really on my mind is that fact that H is still talking crap. She says that she tries to call me but it always goes to voicemail and i know that’s a lie. The whole month of March i barely talked to anybody at all except for one person and that wasn’t even that often. I have even called her a few times because i have wanted to talk to her but she never answered my calls or called me back. I just feel like what is the point of trying to be somebody’s friend and wanting someone to be there for you when that person just doesn’t want to be. I mean i think it’s horrible to lose a friend but it’s obviously for the better because it seems like i lost her a long time ago. That’s not the type of person i want in my life anymore and i know that now. Maybe she just doesn’t get it but oh well.

By the way! Yesterday wasn’t doomsday at all. It was really sweet! Even though my dad is an ass a lot of the time he still has his really sweet side and i think that he really does love my mom even though he doesn’t know how to show it. I still love my dad no matter what we go through and no matter what happens between us. We’re still a family.

I love how her response to my comment was that she never received my calls. I probably called her like three times and she swears that she didn’t receive them and i don’t believe her. I’m not trying to make it seem like i’m fighting for her attention or i want her to talk to me everyday but how can you say that someone is your best friend when you don’t talk to that person for months at a time and they don’t make an effort to even email you or call you back. I think it’s stupid. I have already been through a friend like that before and i know how it is. I don’t need that stupidity around me and i don’t want it.

People that don’t care about the friends they have and the friends that want to be there for them aren’t true friends at all so at the end of the day i don’t want to be friends with you anymore and my decision is final.

I’m not going to let this ruin my night and i’m not going to make a big deal out of it, it just is what it is.

Tomorrow is doomsday, at least i think it is.

2009-04-07T17:53:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is the day my mom gets married to my dad after eighteen long years. I’m not really excited about it because i don’t think he deserves her, better yet i know he doesn’t deserve her. I knew this day was important to my mom so i was helping her pick out something to wear and picking out something for my dad so he wouldn’t look like a complete idiot. Even though they are getting married through the court system it means something to her. My mom never got married so the fact that she is getting married means the world to her. But no, my dad being the big old selfish fugly ass hole that he is has to start getting angry and saying he doesn’t care because it’s not a big thing anyways. He wants to wear whatever the hell he wants to wear because this day to him is not important what so ever. He stated that he either dresses the way he wants to get married or they don’t get married at all. No one really knows how much i wanted to shove something down his throat so bad when he said that. Never in my life did i imagine that someone could be that selfish. He doesn’t even want me to take any pictures because he doesn’t feel like this moment is important enough to be captured in a photograph.

Not only am i pissed at that but ex best friend, i’ll call her H for specific reasons, finally decides to ask me if i’m all right and if everything is alright in my house. Wtf! Now you want to ask me when you should pretty much know yourself anyways! Forget it i’d rather act like nothing is wrong. I won’t tell you anything at all because talking to you is like talking to a brick fucking wall.

Wow.

2009-04-06T15:53:00.000-07:00

This is probably going to be an extremely short post but i just have to let something out.

To whom it may concern,

I’m very surprised at the fact that you’d leave me a comment on Myspace saying hey i miss you. If you missed me so much you would take at least five minutes out of your “busy” schedule to just call me and say hi. The fact that you have time to call boys or call the party line just puzzles me. The only time you call me is to tell me something that might have happened or to ask me to go with you to meet this “guy” you have been talking to for a while. I honestly don’t want to meet this person and i honestly don’t want to go with you. Why should i accompany you so that you can spend your time with him and leave me to spend time with myself. I could easily just go to the mall or to dinner by myself. If you really missed me and really were too busy to call you could have sent me a message on myspace two months ago. You knew that my brother was in the hospital and you knew that i was going through a lot but you couldn’t even call me to see if i was okay or to see how i was doing. I have known you for the longest and you have never been there for me when i needed you. I always made sure i was there if you ever needed me but i obviously am not a valued friend so i really don’t care wether you need me anymore or not. If you’re looking for me in the future know that i’m not someone you can count on anymore. You will probably never realize that you actually did something and i won’t call it to your attention because i feel like it isn’t worth it but if you ever ask me why i don’t talk to you i will let you know. I hope that life brings you joy and you succeed in whatever it is that you choose to do. Our friendship has diminished. You will probably never need me and you probably will never really miss me but you will realize that i was a good friend and you took me for granted.

sincerely, Keyla

That feels much better. I might elaborate on this whole little letter thing later if i feel like it.

On hold.

2009-04-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

Being 17 really sucks if you don’t have a job. Unfortunately i have to put my life on hold because apparently other peoples problems are more important right now so there is no time for me to go out looking for a job. I’ve been 17 for more than a month and i still haven’t been able to go get my permit. I guess the key to it all is that i have to make my own time. If no one will accompany me i’ll just have to go out and get it for myself. Well the permit part might have to wait because i have to have a parent with me ..ugh. Stupid rules and laws in America.

Job should really be my main priority though but i hold myself back. I think i’m a little scared because i’ve never had a job before but it shouldn’t matter. I know that after i spend my first day at a job it’ll be like nothing. I worry too much about how things will be and what will happen instead of just letting whatever needs to happen happen. Getting a job right now just might be the most amazing thing that could happen to me right NOW. The pros of having a job:

-money

-freedom

-meet new people

-money

Haha, i said money twice but that’s probably the best part about having a job. I could buy myself whatever the hell i want and i’d love it. Plus having more money is the key to having freedom because where the hell can you go with no money AND no car? Yeh, no very far! The only thing is that i do not i repeat do NOT want to work at a fast food joint. I know that i’m not cut out for it. Not cause i’m not a people person but because you have to be really fast paced at it and i would get really screwed up. I’d rather work at a clothing store or something. You don’t really have to deal with people too much and you don’t have to be cramped in a really small space like fast food restaurants. But first before i even think about having a job i need to get my effing physical. Trying to make an appointment to get my physical will be more like a mission! Stupid doctor’s office is never open when i need it to be open and i hate that damn doctor wtf.

Ugh, but that’s a completely different story!

Depressing is the story of my life.

2009-04-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

Very true indeed. I guess you can say i’m a loner but i don’t like it one bit. I figure why tell people about things when people don’t care to listen. Life is one big popularity contest and i am definitely not part of the popularity. No matter how nice i am it doesn’t matter, people just don’t care about that anymore. People don’t know how i feel inside and it wouldn’t matter to them anyway. I’m stressed, i hurt, i cry and yet i’m made out to be a bad person or people just won’t talk to me cause i’m different. I’m the good kind of different. I’m the kind of different girl that is proud to be a woman, the kind of different that doesn’t follow trends. I go by my own style have my own unique personality and try to see the good in everyone. I feel like i’m made out to be a fool because i don’t want to try cigarettes or weed. I don’t want to get wasted and lose my precious brain cells to stupidity. I’m made out to be a fool because i’m a teenager that doesn’t want to act wild and have sex all over the place. It’s hard to be made an outcast for being a good person and having values. I’m sorry that i actually want to be somebody in life. I’m sorry i think about my future and hope to be happy and stable someday. I have been through a lot and to know that i have no one to lean on when i need a shoulder but yet everyone wants to lean on mine ..it’s hard. I still deserve to be happy but it just seems like happiness is so far away from me. I don’t even complain to anyone but myself and i try not to do that. The only thing i get out of complaining is depression. Sometimes i feel like i’m a mistake. I know that i’m not and i shouldn’t feel that way but it’s damn hard. I’ve tried to talk to people and tell them how i feel but i get nothing out of it. They brush it off as if is wasn’t even something important to begin with. What the hell are “friends” for if they can’t comfort you once out of the million times that you have helped to comfort them.

I’m tired of talk to people once throughout a whole damn year just so they can tell me their collection of stories then not talk to me for another whole year. I always say i’m not a people person and it’s not because i don’t want to be ..it’s just that i’m not. i’ve never been around a real family so therefore i really don’t have any. My friends are dropping like flies and even though i haven’t told them i don’t want to be their friends anymore i don’t feel going out or chillin’ at their house, none of that. I’m sick of the people i thought i could call friends and i’m sick of the people in this state. I just want to start over, i want to be able to breathe and not feel like i’m suffocating. I need to be loved too. I need someone to listen to my problems too! I need to be heard and i need to be told once in a while that i’m loved. I’m not good with showing my emotions, i hide them because i feel like talking about it is a waste of breathe. I think it brings me one step closer to death. The way i show emotions is through anger. I can be on the verge of crying and all i would do is curse people out if they don’t leave me alone. People tell me soo much of there bullshit and i feel like i’m juggling theirs and mine. Not because i think about theirs like that but because i think to myself damn, i just wasted a half an hour listening to this bullshit and when i tried to tell her about what i’m going through she just brushed it off and bounced. I have a message to all my ex best friends that used to do that shit to me, FUCK YOU! I know they would read this and be like oh i wonder if she’s talking about so and so cause i know i don’t do that. FUCK YOU TOO BITCH CAUSE YOU DO THAT SHIT TOO! I can honestly say that i didn’t have one best friend in life that didn’t do that shit. All of them did it and they swear that they’re different and that they do not wrong. I have people telling me that they have no best friends in school and that she doesn’t hang out with any of them and the next time i talk to this bitch she was out with them all and then says oh i would have invited you but i didn’t think you would have wanted to go. Don’t tell me that bullshit that you WOULD have invited me blah blah blah. You didn’t because you were with your friends and you act different when you’re around them. I hate when people do that shit. I’m soo tired of it. I just don’t even bother calling people anymore. Why i have a cell phone i don’t even know. I honestly don’t even know, i don’t have minutes now so let’s see how many people try calling my house cause they couldn’t get a hold of me when they needed me. Fuck them all because i’m done with them. I would love to have friends that are 100% there for you and you for them but i’m afraid they don’t exist for me. I hope that when i go to college everything changes because i can’t handle this immature bull crap. I can’t stand fake people and i am on my last thread. I think if i were to have anyone call me to tell me what’s going on with them and some boy or some other bull crap i will go ballistic! I would fucking flip out because my temper has hit the fucking roof! I’d rather go to the beach or the mall with my mom and aunt rather than go with some fake ass bitches. It’s no longer fun to me anymore. Boys come and go, friends are supposed to be forever but apparently i’m the only one that knows how to balance boys with friends. I’m the only one that wants my friends to meet or talk to the boy of interest because their opinion used to matter. But no, all that is in the past. All that is over. I’m a very outspoken person when it comes to people and i’m gonna be that way to the people that i used to call friends and i dare someone to try and tell me that I have changed because then i will give them a huge piece of my mind. I think my nice understanding days are over. All that letting the bullshit slide is over. Maybe i have changed, maybe i’ve realized that i was letting stupid people walk all over me just in a different way. Well that’s not going to happen anymore so i don’t have to worry about it anymore.

Ugh, on top of that i can’t even find peace in church. Well the place i used to call church anyways. Never even cared about us when my brother was in the fucking hospital for a month and a half! No, it had to be practically another whole month later when they call to see if he was alright?! WTF! You should be ashamed of yourself calling yourself a church when you act nothing like a church. I’m talking about people that spread rumors of other people throughout there whole church and i know they’ve said things about my family. I can prove it. If i was somebody else i would curse them all out. Who the hell are they to think they have not faults when you have someone that just wants to go to church to get away from what they’re going through and just want to feel good about themselves and they still are being judged. I’m not the skinniest of people myself but you’re all fat and to sit there and talk about the way other people look! I’m ashamed. I have seen so many other people that could sing better than you and yet you judge people from other churches and criticize their singing?! I want to be a better Christian and i know i have a LONG way to get to where i want to be but these are people who are pastors and deacons! These people should not be associated with the word drama but they are.. Then they wonder why they always lose the members that they gain. They have favorites and they make themselves seem like they’re superior to the others who they could care less about. Honestly, if i didn’t stumble on my spanish at times i would definitely give them a piece of my mind! I think i was just a time bomb waiting to explode and i feel like now is the time. One wrong statement is all it will take. Not even that, just one small look and i’ll be yelling a mile a minute. I have reached my breaking point and it’s not going to be anything pretty ..i assure you.

This has to be probably one of THE longest posts in my blogging history ..but i just had to get some things off of my chest.

I wanted to do a survey but i didn’t want to put it on myspace..

2009-04-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

so here it is.

How many people have you had feelings for in 2009?
-Officially i’ve feelings for zero people since this year has started up until now.
What were you doing right before you logged into Myspace?
-Googling pictures of Rob Pattinson lol i’m guilty!
Honestly, who are all of the texts in your phone from?
-I don’t really text that much anymore so probably no one. Kady sometimes though.
Honestly, how many people have you completely fallen for?
-Hmmm, fallen in love? None.
Honestly, what is the color shirt you're wearing right now?
-A gray shirt with mickey and pluto on it. I wear this to go night night sometimes.
Honestly, what's on your mind?
-I wish i had someone to talk to right now or someone that liked me for me.
Honestly, did you watch Shot of Love with Tila Tequila?
-Some of the first season and then i was over it.. it sucked.
Honestly, what makes you happy?
-The simple life. Having the people i want around me, living my life one step at a time and not having to worry about problems that shouldn’t even exist.
Honestly, what are you sick of?
-Honestly, i’m sick of not being appreciated and taken for granted. People don’t really think much of me and i’m sick of it.
Honestly, what do you want right now?
-Someone to talk to that’s pretty much it.
Honestly, have you ever made anyone cry?
-I think my mom once but not on purpose, other than that not anyone i know of.
If you could go back 3 months and change something would you?
-Nope, i think that whatever has happened needed to happened. I definitely needed to realize some things first hand.
Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
-There are a lot of people that don’t like me for reasons i may never know.
Do you miss anyone?
-I can’t really say that i do. People that aren’t in my life now were left in the past because they just weren’t supposed to be in my life now and i strongly believe that.
Do you think that you're a good person?
-I mean i definitely have my flaws but i know that i’m a good person it’s up to other people to decide if they want to get to know the good person in me.
Have you ever dated a soccer player?
-Wow that’s very random but no i haven’t.
Are you listening to music right now?
-Yeah i actually am. The Ting Tings!
When you say you don't care, do you mean it?
-Most of the time but there are times i try to make myself believe i don’t when i do.
What’s your favorite brand of jeans?
-Umm, probably Angel’s.
What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
-I wasn’t up yet.
Do you like pancakes?
-Once in a while i can’t eat them all the time.
Have you told anybody you love them today?
-Besides family, no.
Do you like surprises?
-It depends on what that surprise is but if it’s good i’m definitely okay wit it.
What about the pants you are wearing?
-I can’t sleep in pants so none.
Last time you laughed so hard you cried?
-It’s been a while. I really don’t know.
Do you think you will make a good wife/husband?
-I do think that i’m going to be a good wife. I feel like that’s my main purpose in life and that nothing really matters as much as getting married does although everything else is still important.
Is it easy for someone to make you smile/laugh?
-It’s extremely easy to make me smile as long as what you’re saying is honest and sincere.
What was the last thing you drank?
-Water.
Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
-Not really, let me know when you come across someone with a February 29th birthday.
Who texted you last?
-I’m actually not even sure. The person never told me who they were.
Who called you last?
-Kady.
Who hugged you last?
-No one really hugged me today so therefore i’m not sure when the last time was that i got hugged or who the hug was from.
Who was the last person with their arms around you?
-My mom i think.. i don’t even know.
Do you have a crazy aunt?
-My dad has a crazy sister, she’s supposedly my aunt but i don’t recognize her as such cause she’s never been in my life.. pretty much like the rest of his family.
What were you doing at 12AM?
-Yesterday? Umm, probably just talking to a few people.
Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
-No but i do want to get another piercing in my ear.
How is your hair?
-It’s a mess right now and it will remain a mess until tomorrow.
Have you ever met some one who is incredible?
-Pshhh i wouldn’t think so.
What’s bugging you right now?
-Still not having anyone to talk to.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

2009-04-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

It’s allergy season. My eyes hurt and my nose has been running non stop. On top of that i have been feeling soo sleepy. Yesterday i took five 2 hour naps, literally! I’m trying to do things just to keep myself from sleeping the whole day because too much sleep is just unhealthy. The fact that today is just a dark and rainy day and that i’m home alone is definitely not helping. Let’s just say that this week hasn’t really been a good week for me either.

The main reason why i posted that poem the other day was because i was feeling that way. I’ve been feeling so lonely lately and the funny part about it is that i know i’m not lonely. I have my family but i just feel like that isn’t enough. I’m longing for something, what that something is i may never know. I can feel it in my heart, this loneliness, it never leaves. No matter how much i try to ignore it or just act like it’s not a real feeling it just doesn’t work. It never goes away, sure there may be times when it leaves me alone for a little while but it always comes back to haunt me. I don’t get depressed or anything it’s just a feeling. I know this because i’ve had depression before, i know how it feels. When i went through depression i had no appetite, i had no will power to do anything and i lost soo much weight. I looked so much better and healthier even though it wasn’t healthy. Depression just isn’t a nice thing and i hope i never go through it again.

This is the song currently on repeat on my ipod. I don’t know why i like this song so much but it’s just so peaceful. It puts me in a really good mood. Haha i had to take like a 10 minute pause just to sing along with the song about like 5 times lol. I think i feel awake now just because of the song. See i told you this song puts me in a good mood haha!

I love how i just completely changed the mood of this post with just one song! I’m such a nerd lol.

I can’t believed i watched for my third time yesterday.. am i crazy or what! I love that movie and i agree with everyone when they say that Robert Pattinson looks HOT in that movie. The vampire thing is kinda sexy! Haha makes me wanna have a vampire boyfriend that looks like him lol or maybe just a white boy that’s like a pretty boy or something. Not even just like a white boy with brown hair and pretty eyes that has like a simple, unique style kind of like “Edward Cullin” in the movie ..if that’s how you spell it. It was just too adorable. I have to get the soundtrack to that movie cause it had some kick ass songs on it. I don’t know what any of them are called though so i guess i’ll look it up.

Okay my eyes are hurting from the screen cause my charger is plugged in so i’m just gonna leave it at that.

5 year old girl decapitated

2009-03-30T14:43:00.000-07:00

I simply can not believe that a person would cut his own little sisters head off! What is this world coming to ..i mean the fact that something like this actually happened somewhere is just bananas. Supposedly this guy was pissed off because he got into a fight with some neighbor but is that any reason to kill two ..not one but two of his sisters! It’s a shame because if you can’t trust your own family who can you trust with your life.

I trust very few people and quote unquote family isn’t included. The only “family” that i trust is my mom, brother, and sometimes my dad. We’re still building our relationship back up so i can’t say i fully trust him yet. But to think that people just go ballistic and attack anyone they can get their hands on is just beyond me.

..damn i got a phone call and lost my train of thought. I basically said everything i needed to say anyway. I will make sure i do my part two post for Virtual Reality later on today or maybe tonight.

Virtual reality

2009-03-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

What i really wanna know is why everytime i meet people in person they can be such ass holes and the only good friends i have are online. Is there like some kind of rule that you have to act like a dick head towards your friends in person or something.. People you meet online are more considerate and they actually care about you and your feelings and the people in real life just screw you. I guess people online actually take the time to get to know you and the people you know face to face don't really care to. This probably isn't making much sense but i just wonder sometimes..

i can't really think or type straight right now so i will pick up where i left off another time..

"Lonely is just one word"

2009-03-29T09:28:00.001-07:00

"Lonely is just one word chosen to represent so much
To tell of feeling inside that the senses cannot touch

Lonely can be in the teardrops on a bereaved person's cheek
Lonely can be in the silence of sorrows too deep to speak

Lonely can haunt a deserted room that laughter once made proud
Lonely surrounds you when you're alone or finds you in a crowd

Lonely is heard in echoed footsteps of a departing friend
Lonely penetrates the solitude of nights that will not end

Lonely will not listen to the pleadings of a broken heart
Lonely stays and torments until new love shatters it apart"

-Mary Havran

"An opinion is like an ass hole.. everyone has one"

2009-03-27T22:16:00.000-07:00

My brother's nurse said that today and i found it to be soo true! Not only that but just because somebody has an opinion doesn't mean it's right or that you have to agree with it. I don't know we were just talking to her today and a lot of the stuff she was saying about the United States of America was soo true. She's African btw.. A lot of people do not realize that the USA is not the most exciting thing in the world and a lot of people think it is. Sometimes they make it seem like other places in the world aren't as far along in technology and life as we are and that isn't true. Some people who have never been out of the US don't know this and probably never will. It's a shame.

Another thing that makes me mad is how people insult their own cultures or their own races because of their own ignorance. All black people are of african decent. All caucasian people come from somewhere else as well and i hate when hispanics hate on eachother. Hellooo stick together! we are already a minority, you give people more of a reason to hate us.

These things just really annoy me and i feel like that's the shit the US needs to work on.

Officially official.

2009-03-26T17:40:00.000-07:00

Yeah that title blows but whatever i couldn't think of anything yet again. Oh well, anywho i'm just sitting here not really doing too much except for thinking. I was testing out my webcam and i was looking at myself in it and i was soo disgusted! Idk i know they say that you are your toughest critic but damn. I just have these days sometimes where i don't like myself.. am i the only one?

This morning was horrible ..my dad decided he wanted to start his bullshit again with my mom. I said a couple things but i really didn't get into it because i figured what happened had nothing to do with me so i just basically kept my mouth shut. It really pisses me off though when he acts the way he does. Always trying to insult people when no one does anything wrong to him. I mean after that huge ass arguement me and him had when my brother was in the hospital i tried to help him out, be there for him and all in all just be a better person but he still wasn't putting in his part. He would argue and rush me to prick his damn finger then would get mad when his sugar was high because he wouldn't listen to me so i stopped doing everything for him and my mom was forced to take over because he won't do it himself and he did the same thing to her that he did to me. I still find it unbelievable. Idk why he can't just be nice to people ..it isn't that hard at all. He really needs to learn.

hmm, well i guess i don't really know what else to write. Nothing really exciting or funny happened except for the fact that my mom was snapping on everyone cause she was still pissed off at what happened with my dad lol.

lmfao! Omg i was watching speeders and they were showing a cup searching this guy and his pants were hanging low so the cop was feeling what he thought was the bottom of his stomach and he was like what's this? Dude was like "that's my penis" !! Sorry that was just too hilarious it was all ..small. LOL! okay i'm gonna stop.

Till next time..

I got my laptop! ^_^

2009-03-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

I'm soo effin' excited!! It's soo small and cute just like i emagined it. It isn't the pink one like i wanted because this was the last one they had left so i just took it. My gosh i had a hard time finding this little thing. I didn't know the were this popular!! Every time i went to walmart they told me that they had just sold out ugh ..i would get soo mad hearing that! But oh well who cares now because i have my laptop/netbook now and it's really powerful.Alot of people were saying that it shoudn't be used as a main computer so i was kinda worried but so far it's proved itself.

Anyways i will write an official post later cause i just wanted to test my laptop out ya know with all the excitement.

I'm a dinasaur so like, rarw! & stuff.

2009-03-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

Listening to my ipod like i usually always do in lala land somewhere. This whole weekend has been like the ultimate torture for me. Damn it, if only magic were real i could transport myself to anywhere in the world ..oh the many places i would go! haha a new place every damn day. Who cares about work, if i had magic i would be a freakin' millionaire! I wouldn't really pay too much attention to the money though because i'm not materialistic.

Haha speaking of materialistic, some guy was talking to me yesterday and he was saying that he was a wealthy man and he was offering me a chance to be beside "this wealthy man." So i'm like wtf is this dude lying or some shit. He was saying to me that i would be pretty dumb to pass "a chance like this" up because i'm gonna regret it in the future. I'm thinking to myself like damn is this dude like reading the future or something ..how in the hell would he know if i'm gonna be broke in the future. Oh, and he said that one day i'm gonna want something and i'm not gonna be able to afford it and wish i woulda took that chance. I'm like who are you to say that i won't be living lavish in the future? How do you know that i'm not gonna have even more money than you? I was so shocked and insulted. He made it seem like women can't handle their own. Just because you're a man doesn't make you superior to me home skillet as far as i'm concerned you're not even on my level! Men can be soo stupid sometimes .. honestly.

Ya buggin' what, ya buggin' who, ya buggin' me & dontcha see it ain't cool.

2009-03-19T20:32:00.000-07:00

UGHHHHHHHH! WTF! People just don't get the hint these days. Like seriously, why are you callin' me 5 times a day? Obviously i'm either busy or just DON'T wanna talk to you right now .. can't you take the hint? That's just one thing that gets on my nerves soo bad! I mean don't get me wrong in some ways this dude is real cool but when i don't answer the phone or get back to him every day he tries to act like my dad. Who the fuck are you? I definitely should not but cursing this much but it angers me ..what makes you think that i need to report to you everyday when 1. we do not go together! and 2. i have not shown you any interest as far as the relationship department goes. I have only just met this dude and i'm not one to just rush into something serious. I know who sparks my interest and who doesn't and he only sparks my interest as a friend and i have already stated that to this person. If you were someone that was confident in yourself you would know that you should not be callin' that much and you would play it cool and safe. Apparently this dude didn't get the memo and i would hate to have to be the one to let him know that he has no game ..or maybe i should say that he needs to work on it. I've had someone be like that before and i think he didn't have any confidence at all and he was just a straight up punk ..that's not my type of guy. For me insecurity and just straight up being on my shit is a HUGE turn off for me. I don't like when a guy just automatically thinks that i shouldn't talk to people or i always have to let him know where i'm going because he assumes that we're dating or in a comitment.

I'm a very outspoken person and no matter what it is i will let you know if i like you as a potential or just a friend. Sometimes i think i'm a little too blunt and even if i don't mean it in that way the things i say can come off kind of rude. I just feel like sometimes you have to be rude for people to understand something because they just act like they don't know what you're talking about..

I personally don't want to be in a relationship right now ..whenever a guy asks me how come i don't have a boyfriend blah blah blah i tell them that i'm single by choice. I don't want to be in a relationship right now because i feel like i need to focus more on myself and having a boyfriend would just get in the way of my priorities. However, i don't want to be friends with you if i think you're worthy of that and maybe see how i feel or how it goes along the line.

I'm usually good at telling the type of person you are when i first meet you but i still need time to feel you out and see if we're on the same level. I don't think i'm better than anyone but honestly a lot of people aren't on my level when it comes to priorities and goals in life. I'm attracted to dudes that are a couple years older than me because most of them have their head straight and they have something going for themselves but it doesn't mean that i can't find someone my age that is like that.

..okay now i'm going to a whole different subject so i'll just shutup! I just have strong opinions when it comes to these type of topics.

Shoot me for having my own mind..

Sometimes words just can't explain..

2009-03-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

I've been having some emotional ups and downs lately and i feel like it's really hard to explain why. I have moments when i'm extremely happy and i feel like nothing can go wrong at that point in time and then there are times when i feel soo lonely and disappointed on the way my life is going that i just wanna cry.. I kinda have this habbit of looking through random people's pictures on myspace and i like to imagine what it would be like to be them. Sometimes people just look soo happy and i do get jealous at times because i feel like they're living the life that i myself want to live. Alot of people talk about living life to the fullest and making the best out of it ..i have always felt the need to live life to the fullest but the position i'm in i feel like i'm trapped. Like i can't be myself and i have to say that is one of the worst feelings ever. Feeling like you have no control of your life or even yourself! I just feel really unmotivated sometimes ..i don't have the support i need even though i try to say that it doesn't matter. I don't have the kind of friends i would like to have and i feel like for me it's almost impossible to find any friends at all. Sometimes i regret not staying in touch with the friends i had when i was younger.. I had soo many good friends and i felt like i took them for granted, but when you're moving a lot and going from one school to another you really don't have time to stay in touch.

..I wanna go out more, experience life more but i don't have anyone to experience it with. My life is dull and boring and no matter how hard i try to make it exciting i fail! I try to make the most out of my temprary highs to satisfy me and that's not the way it should be. I hate being bored and lonely but i always am. Soo many people will have stories to tell their kids about when they were growing up and all the crazy stuff they did and i feel like i won't have anything to say to mine. I really don't know if i'm the only person to feel this way or if i should even feel this way at all but i hate it... i just wish it would go away and never come back..

Well, on a happier note i should be getting my laptop this week hopefully! I'm soo excited, and they have the color i wan ..pink! Oh my gosh i can not wait. I have been wanting it for like two months now. It's feel really good to start over with a new computer again and not have any problems at all. can't wait!!

Ps. I really want some guy friends ..idk i've never really had any guy best friends and i feel like they would be more useful to me then girls if that makes any sense at all.

..I need new friends period.

It's been soo looooooooong!

2009-03-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

Geez! I don't know why it's taken me this long to update my blog. Hmm, i think it's because of my ipod touch. Yes, i blame it on that! Ever since i got it for christmas i've abandoned my computer.. probably because it isn't a laptop and it isn't portable like i wish it was. But when i eventually do get my laptop i won't really have any exscuses so bleh.

Anyways i've FINALLY updated my myspace for the first time in like 15 YEARS!! I kid, it hasn't been that long but it feels like it. I just don't really talk to anybody on there so i don't really feel the need to update it 500 times a week like some other people tend to do. I'm just not soo into these social websites anymore.. am i the only one? I guess maybe i just don't have enough friends? LOL yeah it could be that but bleh what the hell am i supposed to do. I don't know why but i find that people just don't really like me like i wish they would. I could meet someone and have soo much in common with them but they will never know because they don't like me and only lord knows why. Plus, i'm still having that friendship problem. As i get older i lose more and more friends because as they get older they become shady ass people. Where the hell does that make sense? Well i don't know because i'm just as confused myself. I haven't really talked to any of my "friends" this week so i'm just thinking it's probably time for a new batch of friends no?

Ugh, speaking of this week.. it's been reckless! My dad had his laser eye surgery done on the left eye and he found out that he has sugar diabetes. Well, it really wasn't a surprise to me because me along with everyone else told him that he had it anyways he just never listened. Now every morning before he eats and two hours after dinner i have to prick him with that stupid glucometer or however you spell it. Yay me.. :/ I guess it's not so bad since he kinda got a rude awakening and hasn't been causing trouble so maybe it's for the better? I hope so anyways..

OMG!!!

2009-02-24T18:32:00.000-08:00

I so so soooo wanna make this cute lil hat and a bunch of other lil amigurumi ish. SOO CUTE! but this hat (beanie) doesn't have a pattern. :(

Oh well, i'll learn.

Small update.

2009-02-16T17:29:00.001-08:00

This is basically what i'm dong right now. Not much i suppose, just talking to people and writing in my diary. My weekend wasn't that good and so i'm still feeling kinda down & out about it but oh well. Not really much to write because of the fact that i'm writing in my diary but i just wanted to show off a few of the pictures i took of the flowers Hector's homeroom teacher gave him. Not the greatest pics but i think they look cute.

I'm Feeling so good, i knew that i would. Been takin' care of myself like i should.

2009-02-13T14:55:00.001-08:00

Today was such a good day for me. Despite the fact that i've been going through so much this past week and that today's weather wasn't soo good i had a great day. I really feel proud of myself for not saying something when i had the chance to. It makes me feel like i'm being tested in life to see how i react and i'm doing pretty darn good. Usually when i hear my dad saying something about me i would just go ballistic and say whatever came to the top of my head. Sometimes i would regret it because, well it doesn't seem to reflect my personality sometimes. It also doesn't show that i'm very mature. I have to grow in some areas and change some things around in my life and for once i actually feel like i'm able to control what goes on in my life. I have money now so that i can actually get my license finally! I'm really excited about it and i know that i can do it. I have faith in myself. I know that wen it comes to going to college my mom and my neighbor, who is like a grandmother to me, supports me 100%. As long as i have them and my brother in my life that's all i need to pull through. I finally feel like i can make my own decisions and not worry about if someone is gonna get mad or not. I'm being tested to see wether or not i will be able to make it on my own and i know now that i can and will.

Right now i feel like i'm at peace with myself. Like i have nothing to worry about because everything will work out in my favor. These past few days i have just been doing alot of self healing. Cleansing myself and just keeping myself away from all the negativity. I haven't been worrying about anything that's been going on like i usually do and i've just been working on a new me. I've realized who i consider to be best friends and who i consider to be just friends. Although i still haven't figured out what i wanna go to college for i still have about a year to do so.

What i'm gonna do is just work hard and study hard. Do plenty of research on professions and other things that i would be interested in. I really wanna get my life on track and this is the time that i need to start.

I'm determined..

I'm feeling a little betrayed.

2009-02-12T12:47:00.000-08:00

I really don't appreciate it when someone asks for my opinion or i give them advice because i've experienced something that they are going through and they just blow it off. A friend of mine, if i can honestly say that, said that she was talking to some boy who's name i won't say. She supposedly wasn't going out with him, something i don't really buy and i knew from the start that she liked him. Okay so i'm not really one to get into anybody's personal relationships or anything because that just isn't something you should really do. So anyways, he told her that he had broke up with his other girlfriend and she, in her own mind she thought that he was being truthful blah blah. I didn't believe it because he was still with her when he started talking to my friend. I found out i was right because his legit girlfriend called her cussin' or out and all this nonsense and i told her it wasn't worth it. So now, i found out on myspace that she is going with him and that her life is good because of him. I knew that she didn't talk to me as much anymore because of this. .

Whatever, on a lighter note i was bored so i decided to do why of these survey thinger mabobers.

Do you think you' ll have a Valentine this year?
-Valentine's day is this saturday so probably not but i don't really want one.
What size is the last bed you kissed on?
-I haven't kissed on a bed.
When was the last time you were sick?
-Umm some time last year.
Are you one of those people who are always cold?
-Nope always hot.
What are you listening to?
-Kady the real bestie on the phone.
When was the last time you worked at your job?
-Uhh still don't have a job.
How many more days until your birth day?
-Well, it's the 28th so do the math.
Where are your biological parents?
-Mom is in the hospital.. dad, well somewhere.
Do you have any summer plans yet?
-Yeah but i don't know how much fun they will be.
Is there someone you wish you were closer with?
-Sometimes.
Do you tend to waste a lot of money ?
-Not really.
Are you anything like your siblings?
-Me and my brother are very alike.
Have you ever had a stalker?
-No.
What did you last drink ?
-Water.
What did you last eat?
-Chicken Caserole? If that's how it's spelled.
Who is the last person you hugged?
-My brother.
So far, have you been keeping your 2009 resolutions?
-Yeah pretty much.
Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?
-Nope.
Who were you last in a car with?
-Err, i kinda forgot.
When was the last time you had a crowd at your house ?
-Pshh, like never.
What does your father call you?
-Haha if i were to say the things that my "father" calls me people would be surprised.
What can you smell ?
-Nothing.
Would it make you sad if your best friend died right now?
-Umm, yeah!
How many cell phone s have you had?
-I've had quite a few.
Do you have trust issues?
-I wouldn't call them trust issues.
Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?
-No not really.
Where do you get all your clothes?
-Stores.
Are you friends with the last person you kissed?
-Nope.
Do you think this year will be better than the last?
-Nope.
What were you doing at midnight last night ?
-About to be going to sleep.
Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
-Alone.
Done anything illegal lately?
-No.
Do you know anyone that smokes weed?
-Yeah.
How has the week been?
-A lesson learnt. Good.
Does anyone hate you?
-Pretty much.
Have you ever taken someone back after they' ve cheat ed?
-Once because i was young and stupid.
Have you ever thought about killing someone in detail?
-No i can't kill anyone.
Have you ever peed while on the phone ?
-Haha a couple times but no one cares lol. I'm not the only.
What do you have pierced on you?
-Just my ears.
What do you have tattooed on you?
-Nothing.
Have you ever been on a blind date?
-No, i don't know if i like the idea of it.
What reality shows do you watch ?
-Not many anymore.
When is the last time you saw fireworks?
-Gosh, i don't even remember.
What did you dress up as for halloween?
-I don't celebrate it. Not in my religion.
Do you remember your first favorite song?
-How would i?
Are you taller than your mom?
-Basically, we're the same height.
Favorite fruit ?
-Watermelon.
What are you planning on doing after filling this out?
-Going to sleep.
Have you dated anyone on your top?
-No, they're girls.
Next time you will kiss someone?
-Don't know and i'm not even worried about it.
Do you get along better with the same sex or opposite?
-Hmm, i wouldn't say either it's just whoever seems like a nice person.
Are you happy with your life at the the moment?
-You have to go through the storm before you see the sunshine right?
What is something you disliked about your day?
-A few words that were said.
Last time you talked to your number one?
-Earlier today.
Would you ever live with anyone on your top friends?
-Yeah, just one of them though.
Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?
-Haha, i never really tell anybody unless i'm told first.
What are/ were you doing at 12 this after noon?
-Cleaning.
Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
-Nope.
What is bothering you right now?
-Ehh, not too much.
Where are your best friends?
-She's at home.
What are your plans for the day?
-For tomorrow: Go out with my neighbor.
Hows life?
-It has its ups and downs.
Do you have a pink camera?
-No but i wish i did.
Do you like taylor swift?
-Yeah she's cool.
Have you ever gone camping?
-No, don't care to.
Whens the last time you went swimming?
-It's been a while.
Have you read the whole series of twilight?
-Nope, none.
What' s your favorite thing to do?
-I don't have a "favorite" favorite.
When was the last time you sneezed?
-Earlier today.
Have you ever had the hiccups more then an hour?
-No.
Do you collect anything?
-Yeah.
Do people call you slow?
-When i say something dumb lol.
Do you like to put sugar on your strawberries?
-YES, yes i do!
Are you addicted to anything?
-Kinda.
Do you ever think about marriage?
-Yeah i do alot of the time.
Do you trust anyone?
-Very few.
Do you like to have some fun in your life?
-Love it. But unfortunately i rarely ever get to have it.
Does rap music annoy you?
-Alot of the time.
Can you type fast?
-Yeah, pretty much.
Are you a sensitive person?
-Not so much.
Do you know anyone named mike?
-Used to but not anymore.
Have you ever been to busch gardens?
-No.
Have you ever gotten chased by a dog?
-Not a dog that isn't mine.
Do people call you weird?
-Lol yeah when i act that way.
Do you like the show Real World?
-It's okay.
Have you ever given money to a homeless person?
-No, not really.
Have you ever stayed up on the computer all night ?
Yeah a couple times.
Have you ever gone a whole day without food?
-Yeah.
Favorite kind of ice cream?
-Mint chocolate chip.
Do you have a lot of bad hair days?
-Haha sometimes.
Did you ever watch the show called "the Hills"?
-Yeah, unfortunately i missed all of last season.
Do you think Robert Pattison who plays Edward on Twilight is cute?
-Umm, he's okay.
When was the last time you broke something?
-I have no clue.

Dang lol it took me all day to do this cause i was freakin' busy. Well i finally finished it.

Get on point.

2009-02-10T20:13:00.000-08:00

Right now that's one of my main priorities. i'm almost 17 and i need to become more independent and start doing things all on my own. Not that it's that hard or that i'm not pretty much use to it already. What i'm REALLY talking about is that i need to start supporting myself financially. I wish there was something easy i could do to make a little money on the side until i turn 18 but up until now i still haven't found anything. I don't want to get a job right at this moment because like i explained before i'm don't really have the time for it and there are a few obstacles that are preventing me from getting one. (Dad) So i have to kinda plan around "them" until then. Easier said than done.

I also have to get a few checkups done before i'm of age. Since my stupid father has never cared about me or my health now seems to be the time to take advantage of the insurance and get everything i need to get done, done.

Thinking back on all the bull crap i have had to put up with i'm glad that i'm turning 18 next year. That way my dad won't be able to claim me anymore on his income tax. The money that i have never even seen or recieved from him ever won't be going to him anymore. Good luck on getting a thousand dollars less every year for the rest of your life! Maybe then he'll choose to spend his money wisely instead of giving it to his good for nothing children who are working, married adults. No, i'm not included.

Which brings me to another point. How do you think you look being a 30 year old, married with one child and still recieving money from your father. On top of that you don't even care about him at all. Okay i understand that he is sick but he's not even THAT sick. He was still asking for money even BEFORE he got sick. Same goes for his other "daughter" ..or maybe i should say only daughter because i'm not considered to be his daughter. She also has a child, a job (she isn't sick mind you), and a freaking boyfriend. If she can afford a brand new car do you really need your dad to support you? Enough said.

Anyways, another way for me to get on point is to establish wether or not i want to keep a couple friends or not. I've already established what there role is in my life (if any) which is something i need to think long and hard about. I've known them for so long, but if the relationship isn't valued is it really worth the trouble? Should i say something to them about it? Maybe confront them or something or should i just keep things to myself and make the decision on my own?

Hmm, decisions decisions.

I'm not really sure how i should go about things. and if that isn't enough pressure already college time is approaching very quickly and i still haven't figured out what in the hell i want to go for. What should i pick to be my major? What should i minor in? Decisions, decisions. What is a girl to do. I know that all of these decisions can only be made by me (well obviously). What i meant was that it doesn't matter what other people say or suggest to me. I'm the only one that knows what's best for me even though it might not be so clear at the moment. With all this thinking i have to do on a daily basis i'm suprised my mind hasn't already exploded into a million pieces.

..I seem to be getting sleepy. I did do a lot today so i suppose i sould get at least SOME rest. Nighty night.

Almost two in the morning.

2009-02-09T22:40:00.000-08:00

And here i am. (If you can start a sentence with and? i was always told we couldn't in grade school but oh well there it goes anyway.) I'm not really all that tired but i have made a deal with myself that i will go to sleep when i'm done this post.. or at least by 2:30.

I was just thinking about my life in 2009 so far and this is definitely not where i wanted to be and not where i though i would be. I really thought that this year would be soo different. Yeah, i know it's only close to the beginning of the year but damn. My birthday is almost here and i have nothing to be happy for.Well, with the exception of my brother and a few other things. Other than that i have absolutely nothing at all. In some ways i feel ashamed of myself but then i think about it and it's not at all my fault. It's not my fault that i'm too young and don't have enough experience to find a job. It's not my fault i live where i do. It definitely isn't my fault that no one cares enough to know how i feel. Not my fault that my "family" (whom i don't even want to be a part of anyway) has always rejected me and it's not my fault they're drunk whores and drugee delinquants. (Is that how it's spelled?) Not my fault that my dad doesn't love me and that i get treated like a piece of garbage that you see on the sidewalk. NOT MY FAULT.

I'm tired of not being able to do whatever it is that i wanna do. (Mind you it's nothing bad at all) People just keep trying to hold me back from starting my own future and it's hard trying to stop people from doing so. I don't control any of the damn situations that i'm in and there is no way that i can. Too many things going on at once my head is freakin' spinning.

Btw, wtf at Chris Brown assaulting Rihanna! What ever happened to "ima fight a man tonight." ? CB is a woman beater and even though i really didn't like him anyway he lost MAJOR points with a lot of woman. *Tsk tsk. Shame on you Mister Brown. ..I wish somebody woulda caught all this on tape, damn.

Mucnchin' on some dang cheez-its. I really shouldn't freakin' be eating this late but oh well right? I shouldn't even be up but whatever i have ten more mintes to say whatever the hell i feel.

I really need new friends. I was thinking all about it and i only truly have one friend that i can sit here and say is my best friend. I used to call my other two "best friends" but one i never talk to unless she feels like talkin' and calls me. The second one i use to talk to alot but ever since her man we sorda drifted apart. I mean is it just me or aren't you supposed to actually talk and keep in touch in order to maintain a relationship.. or in this case a "friendship." Hmm, i guess the friendship wasn't really that important to some people. Better for me though because i know who to tell everything to and who not to tell anything to. Plus i know who's really there for me when i need them and who's not. To think that i've known these people for soo long and it still doesn't count for anything. If things get worse than they are now then eventually people will be dropped. I was forced to do it once before and i was hoping i wouldn't have to do it again but i'm not afraid to. It just kinda sucks but then you just have to suck it up and move along. Well, that's what i'll do if i come to realize that the friendship may not be repairable. Plus, it's not like i disappeared off the face of the earth. Everyone that needs to know my number knows it. Sometimes i call people and my phone calls never get returned. Important or not the least thing you could do is return a phone call. Like damn, i know you're busy talking to different guys all the time but to not even be able to put one night aside and be like let me call her because i know she called me the other day blah blah blah. It's like people only call when they need shit but it doesn't matter if you're going through shit because you can do it alone right? Wrong, sometimes you can't just deal with shit alone because sometimes things get really tough and you need to know that people are behind you 100%. I don't even have that!

Oh how the world is soo cruel..

Ways to make money.

2009-02-09T14:57:00.000-08:00

I don't know any. lol! Well, obviously there is work.. but who can find a job with this Economy? I need easy ways to make money without it being.. well, illegal. That is definitely not my style. I'm in major need of some money because i don't have a job and i don't have any money to buy whatever it is that i need. I can never really ask anyone for money because they won't give it, even if it's for something i really need. So that just leaves me to find my own way to make money.. but how? Let's just say if i really were to get a job i'd have no way to get there. I've heard of the little adsense thing from google but does that really work? If it does it wouldn't even matter because no one ever reads my blogs anyway so what's the point.

I don't really know. There has to be some kind of easy way to make money from the comfort of your own home but i just can't seem to find any.. Will Keyla ever find a way to make some quick cash? The world may never know.

Random

2009-02-08T10:21:00.000-08:00

I'm at Children's Hospital and i'm like extremely bored. I don't really feel like being in the same room as my dad so i stepped out for a little while and talk to my mom on the phone. I don't know, i just can't wait till my brother gets out of the hospital so i don't have to be around "father" anymore. I can stay as far away from him as possible. Damn, i wish i had my laptop because you really don't have any privacy to blog in this play area. Ugh, i don't know i don't really have anyone to talk to about anything anymore. People are just caught up in their own lives to even call you for like 5 minutes. People suck.

Life is soo stressful for me right now. When the hell does it get easier? Never i guess..

lmao my mother is singing on the phone! She definitely can NOT sing high notes lol.

Hmm, what to do what to do..? I really have no effin' clue. Grrr.

Kay well i guess i'll be out cause i have nothing else to freakin' say. I'll probably write more nonsense later. kay bye.

Unity and the Church?

2009-02-07T19:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i get really confused. Soo many churches claim that they are all about unity and loving one another. They all claim that they're true christians blah blah blah. I don't know how much this applies to other churches in general but i'm just talking about my own experiences.

When i was just a little girl i used to go to church all the time. It was some huge hispanic pentecostal church who's name i won't mention. We were there for soo many years and yet we were never considered members of the church. I was too young to understand alot of things that were going on at the time but now remembering it all that church was crap. Honestly, almost all of the people in that church were hypocrites and looked down on the "members" of the church that weren't married and had kids. Who doesn't make mistakes in life right? Well, anyways, one day my mother had an encounter with God (i'm not gonna say in detail what it was) and when the whole church found out the ones who were always rude and didn't even ackowledge our existence suddenly new who we were and were coming up to us. Maybe about a week after that situation in their eyes we were nobodies once again. My brother is in a wheelchair (i will not discuss why at this moment) and we would always take him to church with us. One day some old bag came up to my mother with her stuck up wrinkled old face and said to her "do you wanna know why your son is in a wheelchair? it's because you fool around to much and you don't do what you're supposed to." (it might not have been in those exact words but it was along the lines of that) THE NERVE! People who are supposed to be christians being judgemental?! To this day i still can not believe it. To make an even longer story short, the pastor of this church was cheating on his wife with her sister on the low. YES, on the low. They even ran off to Puerto Rico together.. What a disgrace.

Now we were going to this church. Yes, another hispanic pentecostal church which we thought was completely different. The pastor and a few other members of this church used to go to the same one we went to but they left because of all the drama it had. We thought hey they seem really nice, maybe they're above all that crap. We thought wrong. You wouldn't even think that a very small church with only a few member could be such heartless people. Think again. When we first started going everything was peachy dandy and after a while, after we were considered "members" (there goes that word again) they started to "forget" picking us up. They NEVER appologized for it and acted like nothing was ever wrong. The pastor, some really tall fat guy that looks down on you, has something against me. They have a lot of visitors that wear very inappropriate things but he never says anything. I know what to wear to church and what not to wear but he has come up to me several times saying that i was dressed "too sexy." PLEASE! Some of their visitors wore mini skirts, and for wearing a tube top that covered everything except my arms i'm dressed to sexy?! yeah, sure. Not only that but after a while when they get another new member you're considered garbage. They gossip wayy to much and spread all your damn business and neglect members who aren't their "favorites."

Then after a while when they start losing members they wanna call you and act like they were always there for you when they weren't and they knew you were going through rough times. what bull crap.

For some reason, until proven wrong, i think that all hispanic pentecostal churches are pure crap. Don't get me wrong i love going to church and i do wanna better myself but that isn't the kind of church i wanna go to. Maybe it's just me, i don't know but either way i think alot of churches or just people in general need to check themselves because if they think that the world revolves around them and that they're invincible..think again.

Pissed Off

2009-02-07T07:24:00.000-08:00

[Mood: angry]
[Currently: thinking]
[Listening to: Tantrum; Stacie Orrico]

I was in a really good mood coming home form the hospital yesterday because my brother was feeling soo much better and was talking to me and everything. His homeroom teacher came to visit him (he was cute btw AND he was like the perfect guy you could ever meet ever. HA, he was lookin' at me. NO no in that oh she's a weirdo. It was in that she's pretty kinda way. whole nother story..back to what i was saying..) and Hector was really enjoying himself. He wanted to watch a movie and everything.

So yeah, then we had to leave like around 8 i think.. We're in the car and my dad starts talkin. He's like yeah if Hector was walkin' i'd buy him a brand new car. At this point i'm like wtf because he was supposed to get me a car when i go to college but then he said no that i better figure out how to get everything for college and pay for it on my own! So i ask, "what about me?" Then he just repeats what he already said, "i'll give that boy everything" and "that boy deserves everything." So i'm like, "and i don't deserve anything?" He just completely blew me off. I cried. I don't really know why but i did. I was in the backseat so he didn't know but it really upset me. I was mad at myself because i was already in the mind set that i was never gonna cry over anything else that he did to me because i know how he is and it just isn't worth it.

I see now that he care about my brother, and his two other stupid children MORE than he even cares about me.. He just doesn't care about me and it really pisses me off because no matter how good i am to him it doesn't matter.

With all that being said, when he goes to get surgery on his eyes he can go fuck himself if he thinks i'm going to help him with anything. All the shit i have had to put up with from him and i don't deserve anything!? ON TOP OF THAT, later when we were in the house he goes and gives me a handful of change and is like here don't say i never gave you anything..

BITCH WTF!? DON'T SAY YOU NEVER GAVE ME ANYTHING AND HAND ME A BUNCH OF FUCKIN' CHANGE!? LIKE I REALLY NEED YOUR BULLSHIT CHANGE! WTF! YOU CAN TAKE ALL THAT CHANGE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR CRUSTY ASS FOR ALL I CARE! HONESTLY LIKE WTF!?!? I WAS JUST SOO PISSED. LIKE IS THAT ALL I'M FUCKING WORTH TO YOU, YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!??! UGH!!

I was just soo mad. Then he wants me to cook dinner and wash his clothes and crap because my mother has been staying in the hospital and i have to take over the house. He can really just kiss my ass. I have to respect him as a father but he doesn't repect me as a daughter?! He doesn't even consider me his daughter, or better yet he probably wishes that i was never even born..

Yeah, i WAS going to title this post hurt but rethinking it all i think pissed is the right word to name it.

Too Much

2009-02-05T18:08:00.000-08:00

There comes a time in life when you know that you are dealing with WAY too much in your life. I think for me now is one of those times. Don't get me wrong, throughout the past few years i have been transformed into an extremely strong person. I feel like a lot of people count on me to be the strong person. I have to be strong for myself because i don't have anybody to lean on when times get rough. Basically where i'm trying to get at is that my brother's in the hospital and he's not doing too good. it kills me to have to see him with a breathing tube and like 5 other iv's (i don't really know how to spell it) in different parts of his body. It's really hard to see him going through that. I cry inside because i don't want people, especially my brother, to see me cry. Sometimes too much is too much and i just wanna tell everyone to kick rocks and just ball out cryin'.

Life is really tough. crap i don't know what else to say..

They Call Me Nerdy!

2009-02-04T16:28:00.000-08:00

[Mood: bored]
[Currently: youtubing]

This is like my millionth freakin' blog that i've made. Hopefully i like this one better than all the rest of them.

Anyways to make a long story short my brother is in the hospital because he has a really bad flu and he'll be in there for maybe 3 weeks. Ugh, it sucks like freakin' crazy! I have to cook dinner because my dad can't cook for squat, and i have to make sure the house stays clean and what not because he's not much of a neat person. It's whatever i guess but it gets really boring being in the house by my own damn self. I miss mommy & Tito! lol

Gosh, any freakin' ways i've been debating. I'm homeschooled and i do all of my school work and ish online and pretty soon i'll be in college starting my life. i have some money saved up that will be towards things i need for college and what not and one of those things is a laptop. There is this extremely cute laptop that i've had my big brown eyes on for a little while and it's all pink and it's adorably cute!
<-- It's called the Acer Aspire One. It comes in pink and it's called a Netbook because of the fact that it's extremely small and it's mainly maid for blogging, going on the internet, music, also school work and other ish like that. I think it's perfect because that's what i want it for! It doesn't have a cdrom drive or anything but i don't really need that because i don't use it. The main reason why i want this is because of the dang price. At walmart it's like $298 i think? Well, either way it's around that price because it's a mini laptop instead of a huge one. Plus it has a freakin' webcam and microphone built in! I do have a camera and i CAN make videos but it's so damn annoying cause i don't know how to upload shit on youtube cause it's soo damn difficult and this little laptop would make it easier. PLUS, it fits in basically all of my damn purses AND it's light weight so it won't feel like your carrying around a big old text book like other laptops. haha sorry i'm rambling like if this was a damn commercial but i'm soo freakin' excited cause i really want this lil thing. I've searched plenty of reviews for this lil thing being the good student that i am and it's perfect for school work and everything else i use my computer for AND it's affordable!? I'm pumped! lol Oh wait, just to add one more thing.. i don't have to sit in this uncomfortable chair anymore just to be on the computer. I can go anywhere with it cause it has wifi. Yay! well, anyways i really don't have much else to do or say at the moment. Hopefully i'll have something a little more exciting to write in the nexr post. Oh btw, my sissy poo lani got her drivers license today. I'm soo HAPPY for her!!